The Road Always Ends Here
by theraininspring
Summary: After the attack Brooke's life falls apart. She's been gone for a long time but coming back was even harder. All she knew was there was only one place she called home and in times of need, she knew it was the one place she could always go back to--BL
1. There's Always a Beginning: Prologue

She was broken, even more so than anyone thought possible. Brucas (eventually).

xxxx

_I have been here many times before  
Hurt myself again today  
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame_

xxxx

She put on her sunglasses and walked Jaime to where Nathan and Haley were waiting. They reached out a hand towards her though she only took a step back. Shaking her head to the question their eyes asked.

Somehow she had managed to stop crying though she was sure a single touch would change her conviction.

She felt all hot and shame flushed her body. She was supposed to be strong. She was supposed to hold Jaime as he said goodbye to his friend. Instead she found him squeezing her hand to show her she still existed. Showing her it was going to be okay.

She made it to her car and managed to drive a mile or so from the graveyard before falling apart once again. Sobs shook her small frame.

She had made it three days without crying. Without mourning everything she had lost. It felt like she had been carrying the grief for a lifetime but really it was only three days.

Three days of no sleep. Three days of over sized sun glasses and dresses that managed to just cover up all the shame she was trying to hide. Three days of imagining foreign hands cruelly roaming her body. Three days of jumping at the slightest touch. Three days of silence that was surely going to drive her insane.

Her hands trembled as she reached into her purse. She had done everything according to the law. The gun was registered. She had passed the background check. Though the man had hesitated when she had revealed the bruises that covered her face but an extra 100 had quickly changed his mind again.

She released the safety in her lap. It felt so heavy. Like the gun itself objected to being in her delicate and bruised hands.

She imagined, only for a moment, how cool the gun would feel against her throbbing head. How quickly she could feel at peace again. The control she would regain in that moment.

She suddenly felt so guilty for the thought. Her friends were already mourning so much. She couldn't add to their burden.

She quickly put the gun away, her hands trembling even more. The realization that ending it all had calmed her, even for only a second, scared her more than anything else.

Revenge, that was all she needed. All she wanted.

She quieted the voice in her head that told her revenge would only leave her emptier…

xxxx

Victoria looked at her with such disconcern Brooke was shaken.

Her mother had had no reaction to the bruising which littered her daughter's face.

Even the presence of the gun had not shaken her. She merely laughed.

"You're not strong enough to do it. People like you don't have the backbone to do what they need to."

And though Victoria hadn't said the words Brooke knew she had planned the attack. The heartless look in her eyes told Brooke that Victoria would do anything to get what she wanted, what she felt entitled to.

"You're out of my life. I'm taking the company. I'm going to come up with new sketches and you are going to have no part in anything I do anymore."

She thought she said the words with conviction but Victoria only continued to smile.

"It's too late Brooke. The Board has already sided with me. Given your recent state they think it is perhaps better if you step aside and allow the company to be in more responsible hands."

"Responsible…" she chocked out, "You paid someone to attack me."

Victoria shook her head, "And who knows? What proof do you have? Who in their right minds would believe a mother would have this done to her daughter?"

She signaled limply to the bruises though no emotions played across her face.

"I didn't do this to myself," she yelled though there was no point. Her mother has already turned to pour herself another glass of Chardoney.

"You've been known to have questionable taste in men, I remember numerous occasions on which the principal told me of your habit of undressing in random boy's cars. You were bound to get yourself into trouble eventually…"

Brooke shook with anger and fear. The threads she was clinging to were breaking one by one.

The attacker's hands seem to find her again and pull her to the ground. She felt helpless once again.

"You're my mother. How could you do that to me?"

She somehow managed to get something out; though she knew in this situation it had no bearing. Being a mother was always Victoria's last priority.

She can't seem to speak anymore and by the look in Victoria's eyes she knows her mother can nearly read her mind. She knows she's always been easy prey for her mother. The insecurities no one else saw seemed to shine in her mother's eyes.

"I was young and beautiful once. I wanted my own clothing line and instead I fell in love and that man I loved managed to knock me up," she looked at Brooke in the eyes, her hand swirling the alcoholic drink, "I didn't want children but he wanted a boy. A boy to play basketball with, to teach to catch to. So I conceded. I'd let him have his boy and I'd be done with it."

She pauses to take a sip though the fervor was still present in her eyes, "And once I got fat he started fucking everything in sight. And then you were born and he wanted nothing to do with you but I had already given up my dream. It was too late. But now, now I am not sitting back and letting it go again for you."

She holds back the tears though Victoria had already seen her falter. It hadn't seemed possible but she felt even more broken.

"A friend of my friends' died today and I tried to feel their grief but I couldn't. All I felt was numb. Numb and the need for revenge. And I thought that was okay. I thought I could live with that person but if that person makes me into you I don't want it. You can have the company. I want you of my life. I'll sign the papers; just don't ever come find me. Today you get your dream in exchange for your daughter."

Victoria laughed softly again, "Sweetie, I've already taken it from you. You have nothing. People like you always just sit back and let everyone else take what they deserve," she walked toward Brooke and handed her the gun, "And you think you are someone. Look at your life Brooke, those friends see what I see. Something they can use because you will never be anything more to them than a commodity. You have nothing I need now. _I_ don't need you."

Victoria began to walk out the door before she turned around once again, "And please Brooke dear, don't try and pretend anything you lost was of value to you. You gave your decency away a long time ago."

Brooke stood in the middle of the room terrified of the thoughts running through her mind.

The gun fell slowly to the floor. Nothing seemed to fill her insides and she felt powerless to even breathe.

Was there even a point?

xxxx

The rain poured down hard as Brooke knocked on the door.

She wasn't sure why she had come here but it was the only place she could think of.

Haley opened the door hesitantly, unsure of who would be at her doorstep this late.

"Oh God, Brooke."

She grabbed the brunette fiercely, sure if she let go she'd disappear.

"Where have you been?" she cried into her wet hair, "Where have you been?"

Brooke felt numb though she slowly wrapped her arms around Haley.

It had been four months since she had been in Tree Hill.

"Please save me," she whispered.

xxxx

_Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,  
Yeah I think that I might break  
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe_

_Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
I'm needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me_

xxxx

Sia, "Breathe Me" lyrics

This is going to be a twist on the attack storyline. It's set in the future with some other things going on as well. There will be plenty of Brucus, though it'll be a progression from friendship to more.

This is my first OTH fic so I'd love any thoughts (constructive preffered though). You should also know I haven't watched the series regularly (I can't stand Leyten/Pucas) so there might be some inaccuracies in regards to past events. Thanks for reading and I'd love a review.


	2. Better Days

Thanks for reading and reviewing. Enjoy

xxxx

_Where do we go from here,  
While we're all so consumed by fear,  
Why I'm trying not to be suspicious of those I'm suspicious of,  
I'm trying to crack open this angry heart and find a little love_

xxxx

She woke slightly confused at her surroundings. The last 48 hours seemed like a blur. Slowly the events returned to her. She shivered slightly remembering how quickly her life seemed to change in the past few months. Every day, every moment felt so foreign.

Like she was living someone else's life.

Jaime was sleeping soundly next to her. His blonde hair reflecting softly in the early morning light. He must have snuck in sometime during the night.

He seemed to have grown so much in the little time she been gone. But then again it did feel like a lifetime since she had been in Tree Hill.

Her stomach grumbled and she looked over to find a sandwich on her night stand with a juice box next to it. She smiled, finding comfort in the fact that some things never changed.

Jaime stirred and woke with a smile.

He leapt onto her lap and held her tight.

"I missed you Aunt Brooke."

She cherished the feeling of him in her arms.

"I missed you too."

Eventually he loosened his grip and simply sat in her lap.

"Why'd you leave Aunt Brooke?"

She wished she had answers. Or at least answers she could tell a five year old

"Aunt Brooke was very sad Jaime."

"Momma says if you're sad you should be with family"

She nodded, "Your momma's right."

A lump formed in her throat. Family seemed like an impossible concept to her now.

She turned her head to find Haley clearing her throat from the doorway.

"Come on Jaime. Your dad's taking you to play some basketball so Aunt Brooke and I can talk."

Jaime pouted though the look on Haley's face told him he didn't have a choice.

He kissed her on the cheek, "Please don't disappear again Aunt Brooke."

She smiled softly, "I promise I won't."

She heard the five year old run down the stairs and soon the door shut.

She wondered how upset Nathan would be. She remembers their conversation before she left and how he made her promise to come to him if she needed something. Instead she ran like always.

Haley settled in next to Brooke, cutting off her thoughts.

"Wanna talk?"

Brooke remained quiet. She hadn't really thought of what she was going to say. She had followed an impulse showing up in Tree Hill again.

She was really never supposed to come back.

"Not really…but I don't think I'm allowed to show up in the middle of the night in the pouring rain after having disappeared for four months and not talk about it…"  
She trailed off.

"Good answer," Haley replied with a smile.

Brooke could tell Haley wanted to help her, comfort her like a mother's supposed to. Instead Brooke found herself silent, unsure that anyone could help her.

"Brooke please…you've been gone for four months…we had no idea where you were, whether you were safe, if you needed help…anything. ."

She sighed, "I just needed space."

"Brooke sweetie…if you need space you take a weekend off, you don't just disappear in the middle of the night."

She remained quiet.

"Your house went up for sale. Clothes over Bro shut down. Even Victoria came into town looking for you because she hadn't heard from you after you signed your company over to her. We hired a Private Investigator, Brooke. When he came back with nothing we were so scared…"

The frustration was apparent in Haley's voice and Brooke didn't know what to do. She simply placed her head against Haley's shoulder and tried to think of something to say. Somehow explain everything while managing to protect herself from further getting hurt.

"We were your friends. I was your friend." Haley sighed before wrapping her arms around Brooke.

She knew they'd be upset but they were supposed to forget.

"I was so confused and lost and…" she paused, squeezing Haley's hand, "I never meant to hurt you."

"Then let me in." Haley's voice cracked and Brooke knew she was on the verge of tears.

Nothing was how it was supposed to be.

She breathed a cold sigh, someone had to know. Soon everyone would know.

"I never fell down the stairs Haley. I was attacked. Victoria hired someone to steal my sketches, destroy the store, and make sure I wouldn't be a problem anymore," she paused, unsure of how to continue, "And now, now I'm pregnant."

The silence seemed to deafen Brooke.

"Say something…please" she muttered almost regretting coming back.

"Oh God Brooke. I'm so sorry. Why…why didn't you tell anyone?"

Brooke remained quiet. What was she supposed to say? She had tried to deny the act for months but the daily morning sickness had made it impossible to deny.

She had really only acknowledged the reality two days ago when two little pink lines had appeared on a stick she had never wanted to purchase.

Haley seemed to understand the silence.

"Are you keeping it?"

The question was simple enough but every scenario Brooke had run through in her mind had only made her feel ill. Every moment since then it was all she could think about. The only relief she had felt in days was holding Jaime in her arms.

The tears fell slowly and Brooke knew there was no stopping them. She hadn't cried since the day she had left.

"I don't know…I don't know anything…I wanted a baby so badly and now…it just seems so cruel…"

Haley wiped her tears, "Its ok…you don't have to decide anything. We'll go to the doctor's tomorrow and figure something out. You've got me. You've got everyone."

Brooke felt so exposed there with Haley. She'd kept it all in so long she felt almost naked bearing her soul.

"What happened to my house?" she asked quietly. Haley's solutions made it all too real. She'd spent months hiding and now all her secrets were in the open.

"We bought it. Me, Nate, Lucas, Peyten, and Skills. We couldn't imagine someone else living there. We knew you'd be back."

Brooke felt at a loss for words once again. It felt so odd. She had tried to cut all ties to Tree Hill but they had refused to be lost so easily.

"I want to go there. I need to get my life together."

Haley looked hesitant.

"You should stay here Brooke. After everything you should just rest and…"

Brooke cut her off, "I need time Haley. It's too much. I swear I'm not running I just need to be collect my thoughts…" she squeezed her friend's hand, "I'll be back. I promise."

xxxx

She entered the house hesitantly, unsure of what to expect. She turned on the lights and looked around. It was like she had never left.

Guilt built in her stomach. They were supposed to forget. She was supposed to become no one to them.

She sat down on the couch losing herself in her thoughts. She felt so unsettled. So unsure.

When she left she had a plan. It was simple and it was the best for everyone. Back now she felt like she had miscalculated everything.

The door opened and shut without her even noticing.

"I didn't know whether to believe Haley or not when she said you were back."

Brooke turned to find Lucas standing by the stairs. His shoulders slumped and his eyes looked hooded.

"Yeah, I guess you can't ever really leave Tree Hill."

And awkward silence built between the two. She felt so distant from everyone but especially from him now.

Brooke moved to the kitchen to better see him.

"How've you been Lucas?"

He shifted awkwardly, "Better."

"How's Peyten? I was going to call her."

"I don't know. I haven't talked to her in a few months."

She laughed slightly. Her fingers tapped the counter top out of nervous habit. Lucas' tone seemed to make her nervous.

"Is she so involved in the label that she's been neglecting her fiancé-slash-husband?"

She's not sure if they got married while she was away. She feels like an outsider not knowing the details of her friend's lives.

"Peyten and I broke up Brooke."

She laughed again. Peyten and Luke couldn't break up. They were meant to be. Just like Nathan and Haley.

"That's funny Luke. Seriously…how is she?"

His expression was strained and Brooke felt unsettled.

"After you disappeared things just fell apart Brooke. She moved to New York a while ago."

She felt tears again.

"No…no…no. She couldn't have. This isn't how it's supposed to be."

"What's not supposed to be? What did you expect Brooke. You left your best friend. You left me. What were we supposed to do? Huh?"

He's still by the door and Brooke can hear the anger in his voice.

She should have realized something was wrong when he didn't come in or hug her. Instead he remained distant at the door; holding in something that she knew now was anger. Anger at her and her actions.

She's not sure what she expected when she came back but this wasn't it. This wasn't what she imagined their lives would be without her.

"How could you leave us like that? We were falling apart and you just left us. Did you even think or was it another impulsive Brooke move?"

"I had to leave. Everything was wrong and I knew you'd be alright without me."

He groaned, "Alright without you? We just buried Q and then you disappear. How could you do that? Do we all mean nothing to you?"

He's nearly yelling at her and she felt the blood rush to her face.

She wonders if they will ever understand. She's afraid they won't and she'll have to forever live with the guilt that was building inside of her.

She could fix this. She was good at fixing things…except herself.

The room began to spin a little and she held the counter for support.

"You all meant everything. I couldn't burden you more. You had enough pain and I couldn't add. So don't you dare think I left for any other reason than helping all of you. You had each other and that was supposed to be enough."

She yelled back at him. This wasn't meant to be an argument but her voice grew louder with each word.

"You don't get to judge me for leaving."

She shut her eyes tight as sharp pain surged through her abdomen. She bent forward and placed her hands on her stomach trying to stop the pain. Instead it only intensified. Her legs gave out and she felt Luke reach her seconds later.

He called her name but it just faded like everything else. She felt so empty again.

xxxx

_Oh when the lights go out,  
All I can dream about,  
Is how, we've seen better days..._

xxxx

Amos Lee

Cliffhanger! I know I'm bad but it isn't as bad as it seems. The next update will be significantly faster. I wrote this chapter once and then pretty much tore it apart and rewrote it. That usually doesn't happen. Let me know what your thoughts are and thank you for the reviews. Knowing people enjoy the crazy ramblings in my head makes me feel a little less insane.

Thanks for reading!


	3. A Broken Light

Thank you for reading. Enjoy!

xxxx

_Heart-stained but never weak  
You lay down alone but you don't mind  
Questions that never breathe  
Your face on a wall that I can't shake_

xxxx

She opens an eye to see the dull white lights pass overhead.

Everything around her is a blur. She can't distinguish anything other than the aching pain that seems to have spread through her whole body.

She hears someone calling her name, asking her to focus but she doesn't care.

She knows where she is and what's happening and all she wants to do is pretend it isn't happening. That she isn't there, that she never left Tree Hill, that her store was never broken into. That there might still be something to believe in.

But it's all too much and she knows she's losing the baby she wasn't even sure she wanted.

Haley was supposed to help her. They were going to go to the doctor's together.

A few tears escaped and fell down the side of her face but there's no one there to wipe them away.

There are doctors and nurses by her side. Saying things she already knows. She ignores them.

She swore a long time a go she'd never need anyone to do anything for her but she manages to get into these kinds of situations time and time again.

She feels like the failure her mother said she was.

There's pity and judgment in their voices. She wonders if she's a bad person.

There's really no one else to blame but herself.

She feels a hand find hers, squeezing gently, asking her to squeeze back and let him know that everything was going to be alright.

But she doesn't know if everything is going to be alright. Instead she feels like there's further to fall before she's given reprieve.

She feels a prick and someone says she's being given a sedative to help with the pain.

"It'll make the process go easier," a doctor states.

She makes no reply.

"What process?"

She hears Lucas ask.

He's asked to stay behind and his hand lets go of hers, though, she hears him tell her its going to be alright.

She remembers a time when she had faith in things he said but by now she's been hurt too much to trust that things would end up anywhere near alright.

The nurse tells her what is going to happen and she merely nods along. She's indifferent at this point.

Everything she does ends up wrong anyways. She can add this to the list.

The sedative takes effect a few minutes later and she welcomes the feeling of nothing.

xxxx

She wakes feeling not much better than earlier.

Lucas is in the chair beside. He's got his head in his hands.

He notices her stir and he looks at her blankly. His eyes are red and his hands shake slightly as he places them at the side of the chair.

"The doctor's said you lost the baby."

His voice is just as empty as his expression.

She shifts uncomfortably. The thin hospital gown she's wearing is making her feel even more vulnerable. But then again with Lucas she was always vulnerable. He just never seemed to take notice.

"They said you were four months…"

The silence between them is painful and she still feels numb from the sedative.

She knows he knows. It was all too coincidental for her to disappear at that time.

He stands up and walks awkwardly around the small room.

"The bruises, those statistics you rattled off…" He says heavily.

He's already figured everything out and she has no idea what to say or how to explain.

"Lucas…" she says quietly.

The emptiness in her voice is enough for him to know what he's concluded is true.

He takes a step back and kicks the chair near her. She cringes slightly.

"Luke…please don't"

He runs his hands through his hair. She can tell he wants to throw things, yell, scream, but he's constrained by the setting.

"Why…why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you…"

"You couldn't. No one could."

She feels detached from him, from this whole situation. Like she isn't really there.

There's a welcomed knock on the door and Haley peers in seconds later.

Brooke has never been more relieved in her life.

Haley looks at them both and her eyes narrow on Lucas.

"Lucas Scott. Can I talk to you in the hallway?"

She's in tutor-mom mode and that voice is the one she uses when a student is in trouble.

Lucas gives Brooke a guilty look before walking out of the room.

Haley enters a moment alter.

"Lucas is going home."

Brooke gives her a small smile, "Thanks."

Haley sat at the edge of Brooke's bed.

"I'm sorry…" she whispers.

Brooke nods.

"It happened so quickly. I couldn't even think," she says in a rushed tone.

Haley takes her hand, trying to break down the barrier Brooke had put up.

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired and achy. The doctors said I have to stay overnight."

Brooke wants to say more but she's back in the same position she was earlier. Unsure what it all means.

"I'm going to sit here. Why don't you rest and if you need anything just let me know."

Haley settled into the chair Lucas had knocked over.

"Thanks Haley."

"When you want to talk…I'm here Brooke."

Brooke nodded and let sleep come over her once again.

xxxx

Day comes and her release papers are all signed. Her bag is full of pamphlets on how to deal with the loss and she's sure she's going to burn them as soon as she gets home.

She doesn't want to think about it any longer.

She gets in the car with Haley. She still hasn't said anything about losing the baby but Haley doesn't pry at the moment.

They drive mostly in silence until they get to her house, Haley had stopped trying to convince her to come home with her before they left the hospital but now having reached Haley gave it one more try.

"You should come home with me Brooke. You shouldn't be alone right now."

Brooke shook her head, "I'm perfectly fine. The doctor gave me a clean bill of health. I'll come by tomorrow for dinner."

"You sure?"

Brooke gave her a smile, "Yes, I'm sure. Thanks for everything."

Brooke exits the car with her things and makes her way to the door. It's cool out but the wind doesn't seem to affect her.

The lights are all off inside. She turns one on and sees a figure at her kitchen counter.

"I'm too tired for this Lucas."

She leans against the door already feeling drained.

"I came here after I left the hospital. I got you groceries and brought some more blankets."

"I don't need your help."

She replies quickly. She wants him to leave because she doesn't know how long she can play strong in front of him. If there was anyone who always saw through her it was Lucas.

He sighs, "Brooke…please don't shut me out like this."

"I'm not shutting you out."

He leans on to the back of the couch, his eyes focused on the tile in front of him.

"It feels like you're shutting me out."

"Maybe we're just not as close as you thought we were."

He looks up at her with a pained expression.

"When did we become people who couldn't talk to each other?"

She shrugs her shoulders.

"A long time a go Lucas. I'm sorry you didn't realize earlier."

It's been building. Every disappointment, every moment she was alone helped create the distance between her and everyone she once considered her best friends.

His voice quivers, "I'm sorry too."

"I'm fine Lucas. If that's what you need to hear to feel better about yourself then there. I'm alright. I don't need to be rescued. I just want to be left alone."

His eyes meet hers for a moment but she looks away.

His gaze was too intense, like he could tell everything just by looking at her.

He walks towards her and places his arms around her.

She resists at first but his arms refuse to loosen.

She hates that she always gives in to him. She hates that she's crying and that he's holding her but she doesn't have the energy to resist.

"I really am sorry Brooke," he whispers into her ear and she feels goose bumps.

She's not sure how long they stood by the door but she woke up hours later on the couch covered in one of Lucas' old blankets.

xxxx

_You hold me like a bag of bones  
Wrapped up and underground  
Pull me out so I can feel  
Make me believe, that one more night's  
Not a minute too long when a moment's all I need_

xxxx

Thriving Ivory lyrics

So Brooke did loose the baby. I know it's horrible and I debated for a long time if that was the path I wanted the story to take but it'll work out in the end. It will be very angsty for a while. Brooke's got a lot to work through, and losing this baby doesn't help. But she will have a lot of people helping her (including a Brathan convo in the next update!) There'll be more Brucas too. And Peyten is pretty much out of the story for a while (I don't think I could stand to write Leyten scenes!)

Thanks for reading. I really do love the feedback, especially since Brucas is a renewed interest of mine (I watched OTH in the beginning for them but hated the B/L/P triangle so I had to stop). It really sucks with everything the prodcuer has said lately but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for the show to end Brucas (that way I can go back and watch the entire series w/o being totally disappointed).

Reviews are inspiration so please leave any thoughts you have. Thanks again.


	4. Until You Try

xxxx

_You said it the perfect way  
On your own and out loud  
You said the perfect way  
You were strong and resound  
They didn't want to hear it, but it's time_

xxxx

They give have her something to help with the pain. She filled the prescription this morning and by now she's taken twice the recommended dosage. It's not until three in the afternoon that she gets out of bed and really only that because Jaime left her a message about dinner that evening.

She stood in front of the bathroom mirror, wiping the steam that had built from her shower. She had barely looked in a mirror since she had left. Maybe that was why she no longer recognized the person staring back at her. The bruises which had marred her pale skin long gone but she still felt the phantom pains from that night.

It still haunted her. He still haunted her. The faceless man her mother had paid to steal everything.

And he did manage to take everything because she had no idea who she was or what she was doing anymore. Her life has no purpose at this point and she felt anxious. She had always known the next step. She always had a dream, a plan, a future.

Now she felt like she was against a brick wall with no where to go. She only remembered feeling this way when the bottom fell out with Lucas. The chocking feeling of realizing everything you had planned is suddenly not possible.

But she's been battling this feeling of aimlessness for four long months and it only seems worse now that she's lost a child she barely knew she was carrying.

She remembered when she left it didn't matter that she felt so lost. When she left she planned to never come back. What would they think of her if they knew the truth? What did she think of herself?

Her hands trembled and the emotions she had tried to pretend didn't exist came back.

She remembered that once she was described as 'brilliant, beautiful, and brave.' It felt like a lifetime ago. She hadn't felt any of those things in a long time and she's beginning to wonder if she was ever any one of those things. There was nothing to prove that at some point she had embodied those traits.

'Brooke Davis is gonna to change the world…'

His words kept echoing in her mind. What mark had she left? She had nothing to show for her life. That was why it was so easy to make the decision she had made. Leave and never come back. Leave and let it all end.

She waited for them to forget. To wipe Brooke Davis from their memories and lives. It would hurt too much otherwise.

She knew about the private investigator, that they tried to get in contact with her, that they looked for her. She knew it all but she remained hidden. They'd forget about her and then she could forget about herself.

They had each other and she had nothing to live for. It was that simple. But then she missed her period. It was only one month, she rationalized. She blamed it on stress. She had been attacked and she had just left the only place she had ever called home. But when she began to throw up every morning and it had been three missed periods she knew what was wrong. She realized then how merciless the world could truly be.

She heard her name being called from downstairs shaking her from her self-defeating thoughts.

She wasn't afraid; she had lost fear a long time ago. You could really only fear when you had something to lose. She just felt tired, all the time. She hated putting on her act again. Putting together enough pieces of herself to just get by.

She headed down to find Nathan standing at her coffee pot.

He glanced over at her, his lips forming a taught smile, "Hey Brooke. I let myself in."

He jingled a set of keys.

"Hey," she replied quietly from the bottem of the stairs.

He walked towards her and enveloped her in a hug.

"Its good to have you back."

She breathed a heavy sigh of relief and tightened her arms around him.

"I'm sorry Nate," she whispered into his shoulder.

He didn't respond but she knows what he was thinking. He had held her like this months ago.

"Come on, let's have some coffee."

He poured her a cup and the two sat at her counter. She opened her mouth several times but each time she couldn't seem to find the words. After everything he had said before she left she was unsure how to explain to him what made her leave.

"I guess me and you are more similar than different…huh Nate?"

He gave her another quick smile, "Yeah…I guess."

She took a deep breath once before starting, "You said you knew what it was like to lose your dreams. To have them taken away by a parent and that I could come to you but I couldn't. I wanted to but you and Haley already had so much going on."

"You still could have…"

She shook her head, "No I couldn't Nate. You did what I did. You pulled away just like I did."

At least when his dreams shattered he had something to pull him back, something to remind him not all was lost. She was left with nothing but the bruises, some that healed, some that didn't.

"Haley told me what happened. I'm really sorry I wasn't there Brooke but you need to know healing alone isn't good. Sometimes the demons we see don't exist except in our own eyes."

She kept her hands out of sight because they're trembling again. Her demons were real and they went by the name of Victoria Davis.

She tried to laugh it off, "Don't worry about me Nate."

"I can't help it. Haley needs her best friend, Jaime needs his godmother, and I need you too."

He was looking straight at her but she managed to avoid his eyes.

"I promise I'm alright."

He nodded, "And if you're not you can come to any of us. These aren't just empty words Brooke. I mean it."

He looked at her again before wrapping his arms around her.

"No one can take what makes you shine Brooke Davis. Bad things happen but we can't let them block out all the good that's still out there."

They stood in silence for a moment before he realized he's late. She walked with him to the door.

He stood in the doorway, clearly debating something. Finally he spoke.

"I know you're not ok. I just trust that you will talk to one of us when you are ready. I'm not going to force you but you can't pretend that everything is perfect."

She's taken aback by his remarks and can't find anything to say in reply.

She just looked at him with tears forming in her eyes. Maybe not everything was lost.

xxxx

She was running late. Though she still had her entire wardrobe in front of her she couldn't imagine wearing any of it. She had spent most of the previous days in oversized sweats and hoodies and now they were all dirty.

She finally pulled out a long sleeve tee and an older pair of jeans. She sighed when they hung loosely on her. She remembered when she had curves. Her body could move seductively and entice any guy in any room.

She felt like bones now. She almost laughed that her frame probably resembled her best friend, Peyton, but the thought of Peyton made Brooke feel ill.

Maybe she had been selfish thinking it would be so easy to walk away. That her action wouldn't have implications on others. But in that moment when she chose to leave all she remembered was Victoria's harsh words.

She had called Peyton after Nate had left. She knew she couldn't hide forever. She had to figure out things the way they were now.

Peyton didn't answer. She had left four messages and thus far none of them had been returned.

She told her she was sorry, that she didn't mean to hurt everyone with her decision to leave. That she could fix things given the chance. But she was unsure if Peyton would even give her a chance. She wondered if anyone would. Thus far everyone had been understanding but like Nate had said, things were far from perfect. Eventually they'd expect her to share her reasons for leaving and what she had done while she was gone.

She made her way downstairs, ignoring the thought that she'd have to open the wounds she had pretended didn't exist.

She found the light on her phone blinking on the kitchen counter. She had left it downstairs while getting dressed.

She opened it find a missed call from Peyton. She held the phone to her ear, listening to the message her best friend had left.

Peyton's voice was strained but clear, "I talked to Haley Brooke. I'm sorry about everything but I don't know if I can see you. We were best friends and if you couldn't come to me when you were hurting I don't know…I just don't know. If I'm not someone you can come to I'm not sure who I am. I'll call when I'm ready to talk but I just need to be left alone for a while Brooke. I'm really sorry but please don't call again…"

She threw the phone against the wall. She hated Peyton. She hated her for not understanding. For not realizing the pain she felt and for not being there when she needed someone. She shouldn't have had to tell Peyton. Peyton should have known.

Brooke would have known. She could read the other girl like an open book and all the sacrifices Brooke had made for her seemed so trivial now. She'd give up everything if Peyton asked, she had done that once long ago, and now Peyton gave up Brooke so easily.

Her chest felt constricted and being in the house she had bought to live in with her best friend seemed painful.

She left in a rush, not grabbing a coat, or picking up the cell phone. She left forgetting the dinner and forgetting that she still had other friends who wanted to be there for her.

Somehow, Peyton always had a way of blinding out everything else in Brooke's life.

xxxx

She ended up at the beach. It was cold and the water was freezing but she didn't care.

She sat there barely shivering letting the tide slowly come forward and hoping it might just eventually engulf her.

He came, not much after she had arrived, and sat next to her, draping his jacket on her shoulders.

She didn't acknowledge his presence; she just wanted to be left alone. She was afraid if she decided to reach out no one would reach back, just like Peyten had.

Finally he spoke, though the uneasiness that had been building in her stomach remained.

"Haley said Peyton called her. I'm sorry Brooke."

She questioned his sincerity. Everyone had been apologizing lately and she was tired of hearing those words. What were they sorry about? Were they sorry they didn't notice or that she left or were they just easing their own guilt.

He reached out a hand and she flinched at his touch, moving her shoulder slightly forward so his hand lost its grip. Being touched brought her back to where she was. Back to a place where everything was uncertain. If he didn't touch her she could imagine she was out at sea, surrounded by nothing but the sound of waves. Maybe then she could figure out who she was.

He moved towards her again. He wasn't going to take no for an answer, just like the other day when she came home from the hospital. He forced her into his arms and refused to let go. She hated that he could do that. He was the only one and she still regretted letting him in.

"Just leave me alone Luke."

She's scooted further but he had already gotten a hold of her arm and he pulled her closer to him.

"For the love of God please just leave me alone. I don't want you here."

"I'm not leaving. I left once when I shouldn't have. I'm not doing it again."

She turned towards him, her eyes afire, "Don't change your act now Lucas. I'm not going to trust your words anymore. I'm done believing in what you say."

His face contorted with anguish and she knew she had a hit nerve but she didn't care.

"I know what I did was wrong Brooke. You trusted me and I gave you plenty or reasons to never trust me again but you have to know it all runs through my mind every moment, every second of every day. Those bruises. I don't know how I didn't see them."

His eyes closed and his fingers danced in front of him, "there were bruises on your arm in the shape of a hand print like someone grabbed you and pulled you down," his fingers curved so they looked as if they were on her arm, "and there were marks on your neck that looked like someone held you down," his fingers moved in the air again, "and you're eyes, like someone didn't want you to see again…I don't know how I didn't see…" his voice cracked.

Though he hadn't touched her she almost feltnlike his hands were on her skin tracing the patterns of bruises that once adorned her body.

She felt so close to him right then, like she could describe the attack and he might understand. He could already see the bruises and she still felt them.

"I needed someone and no one was there Luke. I was hurting so bad and no one saw. No one. You promised you'd be there. You told me no matter what you'd be there and I saved you so many times Lucas. So many times and I was all alone. None of my friends saw how much pain I was in. How do you live with that? What do you do when you realize no one loves you enough to see through your lies?"

She shrugged off his jacket off and began to walk away from him.

She couldn't take anymore. Every thought she had when she left came tumbling back. Everything Victoria had said seemed so true now. She had faced something terrible and she had faced it alone. She could never be the Brooke Davis they knew anymore.

"Brooke," he yelled as he jogged to catch up with her, "How do I fix this?"

"You can't. No one can. This is how it's always going to be."

She kept walking.

"It doesn't have to be."

She stopped to face him, "How do you fix the fact that none of your friends' notice that you're falling apart?"

"We didn't know you were falling apart. You pushed us away Brooke. You're always so strong; you don't let anyone in to know something is wrong."

She scoffed, "So this is all my fault? I did this. I have to be strong Lucas because there is no one there to rescue me if I'm not strong. Haley and Nate have each other. And Peyten has you and you know what Luke, you had me but I had no one. I had to be strong because that is what you expect. That is what you need and if I couldn't be strong for you guys anymore I didn't know what purpose I served…"

His eyes caught the moon light and shined a bright blue she hadn't let herself see in a while, "You don't have to always be strong. We can be strong for you Brooke. You just have to let us in. We just want you to be Brooke. That's all we need…"

She let herself be held by him again. There was some comfort in his words; the only thing was she had no idea who Brooke Davis was anymore.

xxxx

Katie Herzig

Thanks for reading. Please click the little review button down there if you have any thoughts or enjoyed the chapter.


	5. Off By Heart

This is told mostly from Lucas's perspective because I needed a change. Hope you enjoy it!

xxxx

They had been playing for nearly an hour though neither of them was really concentrating on the game. Each brother would simply take the ball after an unsuccessful basket and dribble a few times before missing his own shot. Neither had ever played this bad before and they both knew why. Focus had been something neither of them had much of lately.

Finally Nate gave up; Lucas clearly wasn't going to address what was on his mind without some prompting.

"So are you gonna tell me what happened with Brooke last night?"

Lucas sighed and hung his head, debating what to tell Nate. Things were so complicated with Brooke that he wondered if he could give one detail without having to explain it all and he knew Brooke would never forgive that. She told him her secrets in confidence. The words they said to each other were only ever meant to be heard by the other.

Sometimes he wondered if it was his secrets that made her so sad. Sometimes he wondered if she had simply never shared the ones that truly made her heart ache. Maybe she carried all of them, her own and his, and that was why she had lost that twinkle in her brilliant eyes.

He decided to be broad. He could confide in Nate about the stresses he felt without informing him of the few secrets Brooke had shared with him. The few things she couldn't keep inside anymore and whispered in a moment of weakness.

His breathe came in and out in quick short gasps and it wasn't from the game. She had never been weak, or maybe he just always assumed she was strong. She wasn't like the other people in his life who needed saving…but maybe she was the only one.

"I really don't know. She's upset about a lot of things," he shrugged his shoulders, "It was like all the other times I've seen her. She'll be yelling at me one moment and then crying in my arms the next…"

It really didn't matter what he wanted to or didn't want to say to Nate because Lucas knew there were no words to truly describe how broken Brooke had been as of late. He wondered when it started, somehow he felt like she had been carrying the burden for significantly longer than the attack. That the attack may have been the last thing she could handle.

Really, the last thing she could handle was not having her friends see the pain she felt.

Nate dribbled the ball, shaking Lucas from his reverie.

"You're getting mood swing Brooke. I've been getting strong front Brooke."

Lucas looked at the other Scott, his confusion apparent, "Different Brookes?"

Nate shrugged and nodded, "Yeah. Haley's been getting pensive Brooke," he paused realizing Lucas was not following, "She's giving us different aspects of her grief. I mean, it makes sense since Brooke is all these different things to all of us that she would share her pain with us in different ways."

Lucas shook his head, "That's pretty f-ed up."

"Yeah, well the fact that one of our friends was raped and beaten to a pulp and we didn't notice is pretty f-ed up." Nate's voice contained more anger than he meant but he couldn't help it when he thought of how blind he had been.

"Don't say that," Luca's responded coldly.

Nate threw the ball at Lucas, who managed to catch it despite the force Nathan had used.

"What? It's the truth. We were bad friends. We took without thinking. I don't know who I was fooling thinking I could give one winded speech about how we're there for her and pretend like that qualifies as being a good friend."

Lucas remained at the center of the court, his knuckles turning white from his grip on the basketball. Hearing that Nate had talked to Brooke before she left only filled the empty places within him with more guilt.

After all the claims he had made to Brooke about being a good friend he had never taken the time to truly follow through with the promises he had made.

Nathan had been closer to Q and yet it was still the younger Scott who had managed to bear the larger burden and be a better friend. He wondered when Nathan had matured so much. He felt a jealous pang knowing he fell short. Not because it was a competition but rather because he had failed at becoming a better person. Learning from mistakes was something Lucas was still working on.

"Just don't talk about the attack," he said quickly, dribbling the ball to ease the tension that filled him.

He couldn't tell Nate but when he talked about it, all he felt was inadequate and he already felt that way every time he was around Brooke.

"What? We can't all live in denial land like you and Brooke. She had every right to leave and forget about us. After everything Brooke did, everything she sacrificed for us we were too caught up in ourselves to notice her."

Lucas hurled the ball, letting it bounce on the pavement and roll the court.

"I hate myself for not seeing it, okay?! It was all right there but I just…I don't even know. What kind of a person am I?"

Nate sighed, realizing he was taking much of his own frustration out on Lucas, "It wasn't just you. I did it too. And Haley, she's been driving herself crazy too. She said she recommended Brooke to a psychiatrist. Like it was her own problem she had to deal with," he ran his hand through his hair, "She probably felt like she was losing her mind and we tell her to go talk to a complete stranger."

A silence fell between them. Finally Lucas spoke.

"What do we do?"

His voice was raw. It was the single question that had been running through his mind since he had taken Brooke to the hospital.

Nate shrugged, "We wait. We watch. We act like better friends than before. None of us can push ourselves in; she isn't the kind of person who lets other people in without a fight. She's got to rebuild the trust she's lost," he paused before walking towards Lucas and placing his hands at his brother's shoulders, "You have to be ready to listen when she wants to talk. It's going to hurt but she's always had that connection with you."

Lucas met Nathan's eyes and he knew. He knew Brooke would open up to him, it'd take a while but he was the only one who Brooke had let in. He knew she regretted it, every time she fought him and gave in he saw it flash in her eyes.

Lucas also knew he wasn't Brooke's first choice. She had wanted to rely on Peyton to listen but the blonde had completely shut herself off to the situation.

He couldn't say he was shocked. When Peyton had left he knew nothing would bring her back, and he really didn't care if she did or didn't come back. He had realized in the short time Brooke was gone Peyton was certainly not what he wanted, let alone needed. It did pain him to know that Brooke had once again relied on her best friend only to realize their relationship had become a one way street in which the blonde always got a shoulder to lean on the brunette got nothing.

Lucas knew Brooke would also never burden Nathan and Haley with the fears she that ran her life. How could she shatter their world when they were responsible for instilling hope in a little boy she loved?

He knew if it was possible she would have chosen anyone but him because when she was around him she wasn't as controlled. He saw past the barriers she put up and that was perhaps what scared her the most. He had been the only one who had broken her because he was the only one who had ever made it in so far. He promised himself that this time would be different.

xxxx

She had missed dinner at Haley's place again, though this time she had called and said she wasn't feeling well. Haley finally conceded but only after Brooke promised to come over the next night for a meal.

That was how he now found himself at her doorstep with leftovers.

He rang the door bell and waited. He tried again and when there was no response he took out his set of keys and let himself in. Brooke tended to ignore the door lately; hoping whoever was there would simply leave.

"Brooke? Haley sent leftovers…" he trailed off after hearing the water running upstairs. At least she wasn't ignoring them this time.

He made his way to the kitchen where the counter was filled with papers. Curiosity got the best of him and he picked up a few with the CB logo on them. He scanned them quickly, trying to make sense of what they all said. Brooke owed the company money, for what he wasn't sure but nearly all of the papers dealing with the company had similar statements written on them.

Confused by what he saw he set the stack of papers down and picked up another. These ones were about her assets, apparently Victoria had them seized.

Brooke cleared her throat from the staircase. Her hair was wet and she wore a loose tee with a pair of shorts under. She looked so underdressed lately. Everything that had made her pretty was gone; the stylish clothes and make up non existent. He couldn't help but think how beautiful looked.

"Feeling nosy?"

He blushed and quickly put the papers down.

"Sorry, it's just…what is all this?"

She sighed, "Apparently not opening your mail for four months can really screw you over."

Lucas looked down again noticing a statement about her house lying on top. He picked it up and read it over slowly.

"Brooke, this one says your house is being foreclosed. And the other ones said Victoria was seizing all your assets."

"Don't worry about it Luke."

She moved forward to take the paper out of his hands, though he refused to let it go. This all wasn't something he couldn't worry about. It was everything Brooke Davis owned not being hers anymore.

"Brooke, You just signed the mortgage back in your name. How can it be foreclosed?"

"It's nothing," she tried again.

He looked her in her eyes, refusing to back down, "It's not nothing. Ignoring it won't make it all go away Brooke."

She let out a deep sigh and sat down, burying her face in her hands. She was too tired to argue. She had spent all day trying to figure out what she could do. How she could solve all the problems on her kitchen counter and she was no closer to fixing things.

"Brooke…" he pleaded while taking a seat beside her. His arm rested at her neck, rubbing small circles.

Finally she responded, "Victoria is taking it all. I signed the company over to her but I broke my contract by not remaining the public face of the company. Any losses the company had while Victoria was in charge are mine because I didn't comply with everything she wanted."

"She can do that?"

Brooke gave an empty laugh, "She's Victoria Davis. She can do whatever she wants."

He wanted to ask if Victoria would allow her to stay in the house but he already knew the answer. Victoria hated Tree Hill and there was no way she would let Brooke remain. He wasn't even sure how Victoria would treat Brooke now that she was back. He doubted she would feel the same relief he, Nate, and Haley had felt.

"Have you talked to Victoria?"

She shook her head, "Her lawyers called. They're the ones who were nice enough to make sure I got all these statements as soon as possible. Though they made sure to stress all this was done on Victoria's orders…" she signaled around her, "So here I am now, broke."

She gave him a smile, trying to show it wasn't affecting her.

"You don't have to pretend like its all okay."

They sat in silence for a moment before she broke it. It was like reality finally hitting her.

"I just can't believe she'd do this."

Lucas would be lying if he tried to pretend this wasn't what he expected from Victoria. When she had come to Tree Hill looking for Brooke it hadn't been concern that had driven her, it had been the drive for control. Brook did something Victoria couldn't manipulate and she needed to change it. Power over her daughter was all that was all she wanted.

Even now she wasn't curious where Brooke had been for the last four months, all she cared about was finding a way to punish Brooke for disappearing.

"She always finds new ways to hurt me…" her voice quivered slightly, giving Lucas chills.

She had already lost too much. Couldn't Victoria see that? He feared what may happen if she was pushed any further. They had already lost her once.

She looked even more broken in front of him. The attack had taken so much and Victoria was now taking away what little bit she had left.

"Come live with me."

The words were simple and Lucas knew after seeing everything that was on the table in front of him it was the only option.

"Funny Lucas."

He shook his head quickly, "I'm being serious. Come live with me. If Victoria is taking this house let her take it. I've got room."

"Lucas…" she trailed off.

She was out of options but he knew she was still hesitant about moving back into his old house. She had been so happy there once and happiness like that seemed impossible to understand right then.

"Brooke, come on. Just until you get back on your feet."

"I can't…"

He turned her to face him, "Yes you can," his blue eyes looked into hers, letting her know it would be alright, "You can be the girl behind the red door again."

"The girl behind the red door doesn't exist anymore."

He nodded, letting her know he understood that so much had changed but he needed her to know it wasn't all lost, "Maybe we can find her."

She gave him a small smile.

"Just until I get back on my feet."

He pulled her into his arms. He'd find a way to bring that girl back, he had to.

xxxx

_The stars are align  
but they don't align for us  
excuse me for I am the ocean  
and I will stop for you  
will you know how to stay brave  
search for fragile moments we share  
and you are my everything  
and even with nothing to say  
ooooh oooh_

xxxx

City and Colour lyrics

We're getting there…just keep some faith…


	6. Several Ways to Die Trying

Enjoy…

xxxx

_She was in a room with the water steadily rising._

_She tries banging on the door but it won't budge. It's locked and no one will let her out._

_The water is cold and she's barely able to keep a float as it fills the room. Her clothes feel heavy and pull her down. She's screaming for someone to help her._

_She takes one last breath as the room fills up. Her lungs feel like they're about to burst and she knows she's drowning._

_Cold and alone is how she's is going to die…_

She woke up to Lucas's strong arms at her shoulders. He was shaking her gently, trying to convince her to wake up. His voice was distant at first but slowly it became louder and she remembered where she is.

"Brooke, wake up….wake up…it's just a dream…"

Her body felt wet and she knew it wasn't from the water but from sweat. Her clothes are sticky and the coolness of the air caused her to shiver.

"I'm okay Lucas…"

She sat up but the look of concern on his face meant she couldn't just go off to her room. This was the third night he had found her like this. Though there were plenty of times she had woken up in a sweat by herself in her room. Each time she'd wake just when it seemed like she could take no more.

"You're not okay. How long has this been going on?"

"Not long…"

It wasn't a total lie. They had only started the night Victoria had sent those papers. The day everything she had been running from finally caught up with her.

Victoria's indifference and the stark reality she was forced to face had sent her into the same downward spiral that caused her to flee months ago. She found herself feeling the same inadequacies she had tried so hard to forget, to push deep within her so she could claim they didn't exist. But they were still there, waging a war against her sanity.

"Are they about the attack?"

"No," she responded quickly. She didn't want him worrying about that. She didn't want him thinking about that.

It was the one thing she was thankful for because she wasn't sure she could handle actually reliving the experience. It was bad enough just knowing it happened; she preferred to forever live with a blank memory of the actual night.

"I'm really tired Lucas…" She mumbled while gathering her things. An empty sketch pad and a few charcoal pencils. Not that she was able to sketch these days. Every time she picked up the pencil to draw her hands would tremble and her chest would constrict. The doctor said it was a panic attack.

"Brooke…" he began again.

"Please not tonight Luke."

She looked at him finally and he read the tiredness that filled her eyes. He gave her a defeated nod signaling he'd let it slide for the time being.

She quickly walked to Karen's bedroom and locked the door. She popped a few of the anxiety pills the doctor had given her. They had written her a new prescription when she mentioned a few of her symptoms. Apparently it was all normal considering what she had gone through and she didn't question their decisions because if this was a normal response, it helped her not feel so alone.

She checked each window twice before finally crawling under the covers. They were always locked but she couldn't even close her eyes knowing she hadn't checked.

She knew she'd probably either toss and turn for the rest of the night or wake in two hours with the same nightmare but she'd rather be buried under covers alone than face Lucas's worried eyes again.

xxxx

In the past week her life has felt more constricted. She's tried to go around Tree Hill but her limbs would suddenly feel like lead and she'd be unable to move forward. She tried once to drive downtown to where the boutique once stood but she had found herself paralyzed with fear halfway there. She had stood at an intersection for ten minutes before the blaring of the car horn behind her had shaken her enough to bring her back to the present.

She cried for hours when she got home. It didn't make sense. If she couldn't even go down to where CB once stood how was she supposed to ever put the attack behind her? The attack felt like nothing sometimes, like maybe it never happened or she had healed fully from it but then there were times when suddenly she felt back in the moment.

Lucas had knocked on her door for hours after that incident but she couldn't answer it. What was she supposed to say? When she emerged later she refused to answer his questions though the splotchy marks on her cheeks and the redness of her nose had been response enough. She might have tried to explain but there were no words that could help him understand and there was no point burdening him. All she knew it felt like the good days were getter fewer and the bad days worse.

She hated her mother because just when Brooke was starting to piece together some semblance of a normal life her mother ruined everything she had worked so hard to attain.

She hated herself as well. For being weak and unable to handle it all. To not being capable of taking a stand against the woman who made her life so miserable. But she couldn't do that. She couldn't ever stand up to Victoria Davis because the woman knew just how to wield the knife so Brooke only felt the pain.

Maybe she was a little jealous of her mother. Victoria had been able to become a heartless bitch. To not care for anyone but herself and it had gotten her everything she wanted. Sometimes Brooke wondered what she wanted and how far she'd go for it. If history proved anything it showed Brooke wasn't strong enough to fight for what she wanted. She conceded and let people take what they wanted from her, just like her mother had said.

She looked around the small room hating everything within it. Everything represented something she wasn't. Something her mother had single handily taken away. Something she had given away to others.

She grabbed a garbage bag and began stuffing it with sexy clothing she knew she'd never wear again. Anything with the Clothes over Bros label was tossed into the bag as well. She gathered the papers her mother had sent. All the bill, letters, and statements. She didn't care anymore. The scrapbooks she had made and pictures from New York and Tree Hill were quickly tossed in to the bag. It was all about a person she wasn't anymore. She grabbed her sketch pad and the pencils as well. She'd never draw again. She was certain.

She dragged the bag outside and threw it with what force she could muster. The bag burst and the contents spilled across the front lawn. She didn't care. She'd pick it up later but it had to be out of the house. She didn't want any reminders of who she used to be. She wouldn't let people take again. She couldn't if she planned on surviving.

If she hated who she was she had become someone else. It was that simple.

She had been a different person once. Someone who didn't care, someone who hurt people's feelings and acted like nothing got under her skin. That girl had never needed anyone so there was nothing to lose.

She could never fully go back but there were things that girl had that Brooke needed so bad right then. That girl knew how to survive and she was struggling just to make it through each day.

She pulled two white pills out of her pocket. She had to help herself if things were ever going to get better.

She threw on a jacket and headed out the door.

xxxx

Lucas entered the house to find Brooke in front of the stove. He wasn't sure what to expect considering he had just spent 20 minutes picking up a random assortment of Brooke's items off the front lawn.

She turned towards him and smiled, "Hey Luke. I'm attempting to cook dinner."

He was glad to see her up and about. She had spent much of the past week in a daze. Her eyes so dull and muted whenever she looked at him. Like a ghost of the girl he once knew.

There were a few nights he had heard her crying. But she was locked away behind the door. He knew she was having nightmares as well. He didn't know how often but she refused to talk about them as well.

He knew it had to do with Victoria. The day Brooke got those letters things had changed for the worst.

"Just don't burn the place down," he finally responded.

She turned and winked at him and he already knew she was trying hard to act like everything was great. He watched her for a moment and saw the insecurity in her movements. He had never watched her close enough to notice them before. The slight curve of her spine, the tapping of her foot, the tremble in her smile. It was a Brooke he wasn't used to seeing.

"So do you want to tell me why I found your clothes, scrapbooks, and sketch pads scattered across the front lawn?"

He decided to be blunt. They could dance around the subject all night but he didn't want to drag it out. Especially since he knew she wouldn't be inclined to tell him without some prompting. Lately she was full of secrets he couldn't even fathom.

"I don't need them anymore. Those things all belong to someone who doesn't exist anymore."

She turned with the pot and poured soup into two bowls.

"What do you mean you don't need them anymore? They're your clothes, and you need the pads for drawing."

"Those are Victoria's clothes and I don't want them. Plus I'm not drawing anymore so I don't need the sketch pads."

His eyes widened slightly. She wasn't drawing? Sketching was like breathing for Brooke. The thing that helped her find her place in the world.

"You're not drawing anymore?"

She simply nodded her head in response as though it was of no importance.

"Brooke, you're a fashion designer. You have to sketch."

Her features distorted slightly to emphasize her point, "I _was_ a fashion designer. Now I'm not."

"You can't just do that," he felt so confused with her actions.

"Yes I can. I got a job as a waitress, now I'm a waitress" she responded quickly while cutting some cucumbers for a salad. Her gaze remained downwards.

"Brooke, it's who you are…you can't just give up a part of you."

"You gave up basketball." Her voice was getting a little louder and now she looked him in the eyes. Her hands gripped the table and the blood was rushing to her face.

He wasn't sure why she brought it up. They were nothing alike. Basketball had been taken from him. He wanted it so badly but his heart could never be in the game. She was throwing away something that made her complete. Something that she could still do.

"I didn't have a choice. And I wish I could play everyday. You can still draw. You have a choice"

He didn't want this to become an argument but it was too late because Brooke threw a plate across the room. The shattering glass quickly quieted his thoughts.

"I don't have a choice Lucas. I can't just pick up a pencil and go back to the life I was living. Every time I bring that pencil to the pad my heart starts racing so fast I think I'm going to faint. I feel like the world is coming down around me and I'm helpless to do anything so no, I don't have a choice."

Before he could even respond the door to Karen's room had already slammed shut. He thinks about following her but he already knows the door will be locked and she'll refuse to let him in.

He picked up the pieces of the plate from off the ground and sighed. He felt in over his head and only now did he understand a fraction of what Brooke must have been feeling.

He threw the shards away and grabbed his phone and dialed a number he knew by heart. He couldn't help her alone. Maybe that's why they'd been struggling this past week.

"Hey Hales…I messed up bad…do you think you can come by?"

xxxx

Haley knocked softly on Brooke's door.

"Go away."

Haley knocked again before adding it wasn't Lucas.

She heard rustling and the door unlocked and was face to face with a red nosed sniffling Brooke.

"Hey," Brooke mumbled.

Haley smiled, "Hey Tigger…can I come in?"

Brooke nodded and stepped aside.

"I must have freaked Lucas out pretty bad for him to call you."

Haley laughed quietly before settling down on the bed next to the spot Brooke had occupied. Lucas had told her about finding Brooke's belongings scattered across the front yard. About the argument that ensued and Brooke's confession about drawing and the panic attacks.

He had looked so lost when she had arrived. She knew the toll seeing Brooke in her current state was having on Lucas. They all felt like they shared a piece of the blame for Brooke's situation but Lucas always carried more guilt than everyone else. In every situation he beat himself up more than was necessary.

Brooke was similar. She always thought herself first to blame. She always thought she had done something wrong. Brooke constantly underestimated her strengths and overemphasized the few weaknesses she possessed. The few mistakes she had made over the years seemed to outweigh all the good in Brooke's mind. Haley was sure that was Victoria's doing. And in the four years Brooke had been gone from Tree Hill it had gotten worse. In high school there were people there to remind Brooke the negatives she heard about herself from her mother were nothing more than figments of the woman's imagination. Running an empire with the heartless bitch had finally taken its toll on her cheery friend. When Brooke had no one else Victoria had been there, ready to manipulate the vulnerable girl.

Haley always admired Brooke's perseverance. Through it all she survived. Haley doubted she would have come out as brilliant of a person as Brook under similar circumstances. Even know Haley saw the strength Brooke possessed above all else.

"No," she responded finally, "he was just concerned about you."

"Well, the feeling must be universal because I'm concerned for me too."

Haley nodded, "So what happened? Lucas said you're waitressing?"

Brooke gave her a small smile before sitting down on the corner of the bed, "Yeah I am. I know it seems stupid but I just had to do something and since I have no skills beyond drawing waitressing was my only option."

"You don't have to get a job sweetie."

Brooke cut her off quickly, "Yeah I do. This past week I've been holed up in this house because every time I think about stepping outside I freak out. I was fine last week and suddenly I'm right back to where I was four months ago."

Haley felt guilty upon hearing Brooke's reply. It was midterms week at the high school and Haley had once again let life get in the way of helping her friend. Other than a few infrequent phone calls Haley hadn't seen much of Brooke the past week. They had shared one meal that Haley had brought over a night Lucas and Nate were working late.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here more Brooke."

The other girl shook her head quickly, "It's not anything you could help me with. I wanted to be alone. I mean, Lucas was here and I just couldn't say anything to him."

Haley sighed. She wondered what was going on in Brooke's mind. What she was holding back to protect her friends.

"Is this because of the stuff that happened with Victoria?"

Brooke shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know. Maybe. I just feel like everything is out of control and I had to do something to get it back."

"Lucas mentioned you were having nightmares Brooke. With everything that's happened this past week it'd be normal for memories about the attack to resurface…"

Brooke's lips tightened and she averted her eyes, choosing to look out the window, "No. They have nothing to do with this. And I don't want to talk about that."

Her tone implying finality on the topic.

Haley studied her friend. At times like these Brooke looked so different. Every memory Haley had was of a cheery Brooke. Even during all the drama with Lucas and Peyton she had managed to retain an uplifting quality. A glass half full out look on what the future might hold. Now she wasn't sure what Brooke saw when she looked out the window. If she still managed to see the light of the setting sun or if her focus was on the growing darkness.

Haley smiled at her, "Well, you managed pretty well at Karen's back in the day so I'm sure you'll do fine."

"Thanks Haley."

"No problem Tigger," she paused before starting again, "You know I mentioned the psychologist earlier and I don't want you to think you can't talk to any one of us but maybe it'll be easier…"

Brooke shook her head, "I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I want it to just go away. I want to move on and try and be the person I used to be."

Haley nodded again. Brooke had always been independent. She had never leaned on anyone. She hated to admit that the few times Brooke had trusted others the trust had quickly been broken. Even she had been guilty of using Brooke.

She wanted to promise Brooke that she could trust them again, that relying on her friends would not take away from her independence. But Haley knew words meant nothing and that if she really wanted to help Brooke she would have to show her how important she was to their lives.

"I must sound like a broken record but if you really need anything or you need to talk about anything, just call me. 24/7."

Brooke gave her a genuine smile, "All I need are big tips so you guys better come in and visit me!"

Haley laughed, "I can do that."

She really wished Brooke would open up more but it was a start. Something's, like friendships, were easier to fix, while others, like a sense of trust, would take time. She just hoped Brooke was willing to understand that.

xxxx

_Tonight, they're burning the roads they built to lead us to the light.  
And blinding our hearts with their shining lies,  
while closing our caskets cold and tight. But I'm dying to live._

xxxx

Dashboard Confessional lyrics

Thanks for reading. Someone from the past is going to be coming back in the next update—brownies for whoever guesses right! Please leave a review with thoughts.


	7. This Sudden Injury

Brooke hesitantly made her way to the front door. Someone had been knocking for the last ten minutes and they made no sign of stopping. Usually whoever came over these days came over when Lucas was home, the awkwardness of her disappearance was still affecting her relationship with the rest of everyone in Tree Hill.

She opened the door to find a red eyed Rachel staring at her.

"Hey Slut," Rachel said in a rush before grabbing Brooke tightly.

Brooke was taken aback by both Rachel's presence and her sudden move; Rachel had never been one to initiate personal contact, choosing instead witty retorts as her preferred method of displaying concern.

"Thank god you're safe Rachel."

"I think that's what I'm supposed to say to you…"

Brooke quickly broke the embrace and took a step back. Rachel knew about the attack. She could hear it in her voice.

"What do you mean?"

Rachel shook her head, "It's a long story…aren't you going to invite me into your new home?"

She sighed and opened the door further and allowed Rachel to enter. They settled on Lucas's couch and an awkward silence filled the room. Finally she spoke.

"Are you clean?" She was blunt with Rachel. She refused to compromise her safety. The tiny steps she had taken towards living a normal life.

"Yeah…for nearly three months now…"

Brooke let out a deep sigh, thankful that Rachel had managed to straighten up.

Rachel cleared her throat, "You're mother came to see me. She found me in New York, in the trashy apartment I was living in with other druggies. She thought you were there. I asked her why and when she wouldn't tell me what happened…I hit her," she gave a nervous laugh, and Brooke usually would have laughed as well but laughing seemed like a foreign concept at that moment, "After that she finally admitted that you had been attacked and you had disappeared…" she paused again, the tears that were welling in her eyes now fell freely down her face, "Brooke, I felt so bad. I was so afraid for you. Some of my dealers knew about your store and if this was my fault I could never forgive myself…I just…I don't know if there's anyway you can forgive me…"

Brooke pulled Rachel into a hug; this wasn't anyone else's burden to bear, "It's not your fault. I swear this didn't happen because of you."

"But Brooke how do you know. There was no police report and no one was caught. How do you know some scumbag I know wasn't to blame?"

She quivered, the air in her lungs felt stale and she felt lightheaded, "I know it's not your fault because Victoria admitted she did it…"

Rachel's arms fell loosely to her side and she looked Brooke in the eyes trying to figure out what it all meant, "Victoria?"

Brooke nodded, her body felt so tense suddenly. She had not admitted who had been behind the attack to anyone. Thus far everyone else assumed it was a random act of violence, of outrage that had no ties specifically to her life. Maybe if they knew that they would understand why her life had really shattered after the attack. How her trust in a just world disappeared when Victoria looked her daughter in the eye and admitted she felt nothing for her. That she was only ever a means to an end.

She felt torn discussing it with Rachel. To a degree everything that had happened with Rachel reiterated everything Victoria had said about her. That she was useful to them as long as she had something to provide. But at the root of it all, Victoria's control over Brooke's life had ruined her friendship with Rachel long before Rachel stole her money and ran out of Tree Hill. She had betrayed Rachel's friendship and trust the night she fired her on Victoria's instruction.

For so long she had desired Victoria's approval and in the end she never gained it. Instead she lost everything in her pursuit of it.

"Brooke, what happened?"

Brooke looked to Rachel contemplating what she could say.

"I haven't told anyone…"

"Yeah, well I'm not everyone…"

And it was true. The title of best friend always went to Peyton and Haley but Rachel stood in her own category of friendship. Her friendship with Rachel was antagonistic at times and more often than not they were fighting or calling each other names but Rachel understood her better than everyone else at times. Rachel was outside watching in. Rachel saw the pain those that claimed to love her caused her and how often and easily she was forced to move on from that pain. Brooke Davis was a trooper. But Rachel also saw the girl who broke down behind closed doors.

"Victoria paid someone to attack me at the store and steal my designs," she cleared her throat finding it hard to continue though Rachel's hand on her own gave her some strength, "She knew I'd never go public because of the company. I confronted her and she said some horrible things…and I just snapped. I gave her the company and I disappeared…"

Rachel squeezed Brooke's hand in a small gesture of comfort.

"Brooke, it was Victoria. You know everything she says is a manipulative lie."

"The thing is, it was true," Brooke avoided Rachel's eyes, "Or at least partly true. I see my life one way and she sees it another. And everything she said to me made me wonder if maybe I had been fooling myself…that maybe the way Victoria saw things was the way the world saw them…"

"What did she say?"

Brooke shook her head. She didn't dare repeat what Victoria had said. Instead she buried them deep within herself. She was playing a twisted game with her emotions. She allowed herself to feel them in a moment of weakness, when everything seemed so lost. Like with Lucas at the beach. Or the other night in the kitchen with him. Moments when she was so far gone she needed someone to bring her back before she did something irrational. It was probably unhealthy but she feared she may never recover if she admitted all the pain that swirled within her.

What would they say in their defense if she acknowledged the version of the truth Victoria laid out? She wouldn't allow herself to wander down that path because there was nothing left if Victoria had been right.

"How did you know where I was?"

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "After Victoria came and found me I checked into rehab. All I could think was I have to find you and make sure you were okay. Unfortunately when you're a former druggie that's broke and with no place to live it's kind of hard to do anything so I started working and saving up money to hire a P.I. Eventually I did and he had Victoria's phones tapped. He recorded a conversation with her lawyer about you and I knew you were in Tree Hill. When there was a sold sign in front of your house I knew you'd be here."

Brooke smiled Rachel's resolve, even with everything against her she had managed to make it back to Tree Hill. She had missed her presence in the last few weeks. She never had to worry about things being too bleak with Rachel. She and Rachel had enough broken dreams between them to learn that silver linings didn't always exist.

"Thanks for coming back Rachel."

"Always slut. Someone's got to watch out for your fat ass."

Brooke laughed. It seemed like forever since she had shared a playful exchange with anyone.

"I needed this. Everyone here is treating me like I'm glass. And maybe I have been giving them the impression that I'm breakable but I really needed someone to treat me like I'm the same Brooke."

Rachel watched Brooke noticing the subtle changes in her demeanor. How quickly she had masked her emotions after their discussion of Victoria. She knew not to push Brooke but that didn't mean she would allow her to continue to ruminate over Victoria's words without some other insight, "Remember when I asked you if people change?"

Brooke nodded remembering the conversation. Rachel's expression grew serious again and Brooke knew her words were weighted, "Well, I believe you're the same person deep down. A person Victoria has never seen because she never took the time to look under all those layers of who Brooke Davis pretends to be. I think that Victoria is a bitch inside and out who will say anything to hurt you. That the only truth in her words is to benefit herself and that's really no truth at all."

Brooke remained quiet at the words. She wanted so desperately to believe Rachel about Victoria. She just wasn't sure she had faith enough to do so.

Rachel let out a sigh, "That's enough bonding for me Davis," she stood up and gave Brooke her devilish grin, "Next time provide some shots."  
She laughed. She mad missed Rachel's ability to convey her point and move on.

"Come on….lets get some food. We can go to the diner I work at."

Rachel's eyes widened, "Did you just say you work at a diner? Holly shit Brooke." Her voice held a joking undertone.

She playfully slapped Rachel on the shoulder, "Hey, you're not allowed to talk considering you're unemployed right now."  
"Yeah, well that's only because I had to come check on your skanky ass."

Brooke laughed and nudged Rachel towards the door. She gave Rachel the keys and told her to meet her outside while she grabbed a jacket. She ran upstairs and waited for the front door to shut before she dug out the white pills from the bottom of her drawer.

The conversation with Rachel had been draining and she needed something to take the edge off.

xxxxx

"So Brooke, you want to tell me why we're taking the long way to the diner?"

Brooke gave her a hesitant glance; she was hoping Rachel wouldn't notice.

"This is a shortcut."

Rachel shook her head, "I know its been a while but its significantly faster if you cut through downtown," she narrowed her eyes at Brooke, "Since you're clearly lying about the short cut and we are taking a longer route that avoids downtown, I'm guessing this has something to do with C/B boutique."

She glared at Rachel and hated her uncanny ability to decipher the meaning of her actions, "It does not. I just don't want to get traffic."

"At 2 PM on a Thursday? Seriously this is Tree Hill, there are like 4 cars in the entire town."

"Whatever Rachel. You can be such a bitch sometimes."

She didn't want to admit her weakness. If she started letting people see more of the anxiety they'd become concerned and they'd ask questions and that was the last thing she wanted.

"Did you expect anything different? Bitch is my middle name."

She turned the car around and began heading towards downtown. She hoped the two tiny white pills could keep her functioning.

They were two blocks away when she noticed her palms beginning to sweat and her cheeks flushed. She ignored the signs and continued driving. She just had to focus and she would be able to make it.

It was at the next light that it all fell to pieces. Her breath came in quick spurts and not enough to supply her lungs with adequate oxygen. The dizziness she was feeling increased with each passing second until she saw white specks in front of her.

She would be able to get through it. She wouldn't let something as simple as driving past a building take so much away from her. But it did.

She put the car in park because she was sure she had lost all ability to drive. She placed her forehead on the staring wheel to keep the tears from spilling. She had broken out in a cold sweat and she trembled slightly.

"Brooke…Brooke…"

Rachel's voice finally penetrated through.

"Its okay…we don't need to go that way."

Brooke looked over at her and she noted Rachel's bewildered expression. She had not expected this kind of a reaction from Brooke for just driving past where C/B had stood. Brooke saw the look in Rachel's eyes. It was the same one everyone else gave her when she broke down in front of them. It made her fear she may never be that old Brooke again because no one would remember who she was. She didn't remember who she once was.

"Please don't Rachel."

The redhead merely nodded. She knew her place in Brooke's life. If she became like Lucas, Nathan, and Haley, Brooke would surely lose it all. She needed someone to not treat her like she wasn't going insane. Brooke exited the car and walked to the other side, her legs still weak and she kept one hand on the car. Rachel didn't say a word as they exchanged places.

Finally once they were settled did Brooke allow the moment to be addressed, "I'm working on it. Just don't let it change anything Rachel. I really need that."

Rachel's lips remained in a taught line but Brooke took her silence to be a confirmation. She knew Rachel hated the position she was put in but it was the way their friendship worked.

"Fine. Then tell me what happened since you came back to Tree Hill."

Brooke conceded knowing that it could not be as easy as letting Rachel switch seats.

She recounted her experience. Starting from her return to Tree Hill. To the miscarriage and the moments she had shared with Lucas. She mentioned her house being repossessed and finally she told of the message she had received from Peyton. She looked to Rachel at that moment and watched her face transform from concern to anger.

"Peyton's such a selfish bitch."

Brook didn't reply, though somewhere deep down she agreed. Not just because of what she had said but about her past experiences with Peyton. Sometimes she wondered if Peyton was just her best friend because they had known each other so long. She hadn't felt like best friends with Peyton for a long time.

She pushed the thoughts out of her mind, she was over all that. So much had happened since then that all that seemed trivial. But she still couldn't help but think that maybe Rachel's words held some truth.

"I think Peyton doesn't know what she wants and was confused and scared."

"Defend her all you want but she's selfish. That's probably why Broody boy broke up with her."

Brooke turned to Rachel whose demeanor was still relaxed, as though the statement was insignificant to her.

"I doubt that."

"Well, then why did they break up?"

Brooke felt guilty. She had barely talked to Lucas about his breakup. Though he was not forthcoming with details either. "He said they just kinda fell apart."

Rachel scoffed, "Fell apart. Yeah that's what happens when the person who makes their relationship work, _you_, disappears."

"I do not make their relationship work."

She laughed this time, "Whatever."

Rachel looked as though she might drop the subject but one glance at Brooke's confused expression changed her plans, "Just think about it. Junior year they try it but you're not friends with them and they crash and burn. They try again after Peyton's little 'feelings' fiasco and through the end of senior year and moving to Cali they're fine. Then you pack up and move to New York and Peyton is falling in love with new guys and turning down proposals. Flash forward four years and Lucas and Peyton realize they really are perfect for each other and have a seemingly perfect relationship until you disappear and they're crashing and burning, _again_," she emphasized the last word to highlight to Brooke the pattern in their relationship.

"Rachel…" Brooke started but the redhead cut her off.

"Listen Brooke. Maybe the reason Peyton was so sure Lucas was the perfect guy for her was because you kept putting the idea in her mind. When you were around Lucas and Peyton she was reminded of your relationship with Lucas and she kept thinking Lucas was a great catch. That if he was so good with you he had to be perfect with her. But as soon as that reminder was gone Lucas went back to being some guy she had alright chemistry with and mixed feelings for."

"It's not like that. They're relationship was more than just Peyton wanting what I had. They were in love. They still are."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "Maybe but all I've seen is Peyton run from their relationship with some lame excuse every time. If they were really meant to be they'd have found a way by now."

"They are meant to be Rachel," she said it like it was a matter of fact, a truth she could rely on. She only ever wanted her friends to be happy and for Peyton as well as Lucas that was with each other. It had to be, or she had given it all up for nothing.

"Alright, then tell me why are you playing house with him and not her?"

Brooke gave a frustrated groan; Rachel always managed to say things she had no reply to. There was no romantic implication to her staying with Lucas and yet being in that house did trigger something within Brooke. Finally she found some words that might explain her current situation, "I'm only staying with him because I'm broke Rachel. I literally have no money. And he just feels bad for me."

Rachel shrugged, "Maybe that's just the way you see things."

Brooke remained silent. Her situation with Lucas was so complicated already; she didn't want to start thinking about their history as a couple. She had never stopped loving Lucas but that didn't mean anything. She was too realistic to ever imagine a normal relationship with anyone, let alone Lucas. Who would want an emotionally unstable wreck as a permanent fixture in their lives? She was sure even Lucas, with all his guilt and broken promises, would reach the end of his rope soon with all her issues. She was waiting for the bottom to fall out.

"Come on slut. We've already driven around the diner six times so let's get some of that food you promised me."

Brooke nodded and fixed her makeup silently.

Somewhere deep down the thought nagged her that even if she'd risk it again with Lucas that maybe she didn't deserve him. After all, she was so broken and there was no way to fix her.

xxxxx

_And now waiting for everything  
To fall into place  
Waiting for everything  
To fall_

xxxx

City and Coulor lyrics.

I want to thank everyone for reading. I really appreciate the feedback and comments on how the story is progressing.

Congrats to everyone who guessed Rachel! I promised cookies but I tend to burn anything I try and cook so I'm sure you're all better off without them. Thanks for reading again. Next update Rachel and Lucas talk and we're getting closer to a serious Brooke/Lucas moment.

Please review if you have a chance, thanks!


	8. Burn to Shine

Sorry for the wait, I procrastinated away my break without an update! Hope you enjoy the update and that it might make up for the super long wait.

xxxxx

_It doesn't get easy get empty get older  
And realize we actually die  
Filled up with fear and the question persists  
That you just might be living a lie_

xxxxx

Brooke fell asleep a few hours after they returned from the diner. Rachel sat alone at the kitchen table thinking about everything Brooke had said over the course of the day. She still felt guilty, that maybe if she had stayed in Tree Hill things would have been different.

Brooke still hadn't said anything about the attack and she hadn't pushed. It seemed that Brooke was still battling with the emotional repercussions to this day. Rachel's stomach twisted. She'd do anything to take the pain away from her. Sometime long ago she had been jealous of Brooke. That Brooke lived the life Rachel had to work so hard to achieve. But it wasn't the truth. It was just a façade Brooke put on and eventually Rachel became one of the people she could trust enough to show what her life really was like.

So much for trust. She had broken that too, like everyone else, and shown Brooke that the only person she could rely on was herself. Rachel didn't need Brooke to tell her what Victoria had said. She could already piece it together from noticing the ways in which Brooke had changed.

Even around those she had once trusted and loved Brooke was separating herself. The fact that she had begged Rachel to be silent about the panic attack was enough for her to know. Brooke was refusing to let anyone in because Victoria had convinced her no one cared. That no one wanted to be let in. She had started to believe herself undeserving. That if a mother could never love her how could friends?

She could picture Victoria in her fitted business suite staring down at Brooke. Almost laughing and taunting her about the attack. She didn't need Brooke to tell her what her mother had said because Rachel too had once found herself at the receiving end of one of Victoria's bashings. The woman knew just what to say to make you crumble at her feet. To place the blame of what had happened on no one else but your own shoulders. And maybe she had deserved it, but Brooke was completely innocent. There was not telling how much damage that must have done.

The door opened and the reason she had been waiting up entered.

His face held a surprised expression at seeing her sitting in his dimly lit kitchen.

"Rachel…I can't say I expected to find you here…" he trailed off and she felt slightly awkward. She was in his kitchen unannounced but it really didn't matter. Brooke trumped everything in her life.

"My Brooke needed me so here I am."

He nodded solemnly. Somehow he knew Brooke needed Rachel. There were things he wouldn't understand that the redhead did. It would be a lie to say he didn't feel jealousy rear its ugly head at the thought. He wanted badly to prove to Brooke she could trust him but thus far she remained distant.

Rachel looked at Lucas finally. She was never one to beat around the bush and she wouldn't start now.

"I'm really mad at you. I am pissed off beyond belief because you hurt her really bad," Rachel took a breath and watched Lucas's expression fill with guilt, "But, she is hurting and you are the only one who has ever been able to get through to her."

He let out a deep sigh and took a seat at the table, hanging his head slightly.

"I want to. I just can't. She won't let me."

Rachel closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She knew he would say this to her. He never saw the power he had over her. But then again she knew Brooke had been keeping her distance. She was barely responsive at times and so withdrawn. She had only seen flashes of the cheery girl she once knew throughout their meal. It was easy to despair.

"Victoria was behind the attack," she said bluntly. She knew it was information Lucas needed that Brooke wouldn't reveal.

He looked up in surprise at her, "Victoria?"

"Yeah, that's what I said."

Frustration was apparent on his face and Rachel knew he was hurt that Brooke had not told him. "Why would she tell you that and not me? She hasn't told me anything and I've tried so hard. She barely mentions how she's feeling and she refuses to talk about the attack at all."

"She only told me because I thought I was the reason she was attacked. Otherwise I think she wouldn't have told anyone…" She trailed off. She wasn't sure what to say to Lucas.

He sighed, "Did she say why?"

Rachel shrugged, she didn't quiet know. Brooke had fired Victoria and maybe this was her way of extracting revenge.

"She didn't say exactly, she just told me she confronted Victoria in New York and after that it all went downhill. Victoria being the bitch she is probably implied that Brooke had brought this on herself. That she somehow deserved it."

His voice quivered as he responded to her. He was just beginning to understand how deep Brooke's pain ran. "How do you know this if she didn't tell you?"

"I know how Victoria works and I know Brooke's weaknesses. I used to exploit them once upon a time," she shrugged her shoulders to ease the tension in the room before continuing, "I just know that she needs you Lucas."

A silence fell between them and she contemplated telling him more. Finally she decided the only way to help Brooke was to let the people who knew how to save her find a way.

"She's been having really bad panic attacks too. I think it might be post-traumatic stress disorder. That's probably why she won't talk about the attack directly. She's really hurting bad Lucas. I need you to save her."

She turned her face and wiped the tears that had fallen. She finally turned back towards him, "Just trust yourself Lucas. You always doubt yourself with her and it's usually when she's just about to let you in. Give her time, she's been through so much but she needs you. I'll see you tomorrow."

She got up and made her way to Karen's bedroom. Brooke had made her promise to stay and Rachel was going to try and be a better friend, even if it meant letting Lucas into Brooke's life again. All she knew was if he hurt her again it would be the last thing he'd ever do.

She looked back once at the top of the stairs to see Lucas still at the table, his head buried in his hands. She found a small smile of hope at her lips from the realization that this time things might be different.

xxxxx

Brooke awoke to find a note from Rachel saying she was off to find a job. She'd be back sometime later in the day.

Brooke was somewhat relieved, being around Rachel made her miss the ease with which she had once lived her life. How every action could be spontaneous and of no consequence. Now she knew better. Now her life was schedules and carefully planned routes. She felt like she spent most of her time avoiding the elephant in the room and it was a draining experience.

She had the day off from work and she already had her entire day planned. She had discussed with Haley having Jaime spend the day with her. Though she had seen him periodically since her return she had yet to spend a whole day with him. It was about time they had another Bramie day.

She made her way downstairs and was surprised to find Lucas sitting at the table. He was usually at work by the time she got up.

He looked up at her with red lined eyes and an expression that showed he had not slept much. She knew the feeling though she didn't verbalize it to him.

"Listen Brooke. We need to talk."

He was short with her; the words in his head were well planned. He'd tell her what he knew and he was sure she'd open up to him. He just needed to let her know he could help her and everything would get better.

"What? Did I leave dirty dishes in the sink?"

She laughed playfully hoping to change his stern expression but when he didn't respond she grew anxious.

"I talked to Rachel last night."

Her feet suddenly felt heavy and she took a seat to save herself from falling. She knew what this was about. She should have known better than to trust Rachel's promise.

"She told me Victoria was behind the attack. Why didn't you tell me?"

Her mouth felt so dry she tried to think of something to say but no coherent thought formed. Instead she sat in the silence watching the man beside her brood.

"You could have told me. I would have understood. Victoria didn't just take your company she took away your life."

His usually strong voice was just a whisper. Like he was afraid to say the words because they might explain the last four months to him and he really wasn't ready for that.

The tears prickled and she shut her eyes to prevent them from falling. She didn't want to hear this. She didn't want them to know just how messed up everything in her life was.

"It doesn't matter."

"It does."

The quiet filled the room again. She wanted him gone but it was his house and though she thought leaving she had no where else to go.

Shit, she realized, she did have somewhere to go. Jaime was waiting.

She stood up quickly, "Lucas, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to talk about it. Ever. So just drop it. I'm late to pick up Jaime."

She grabbed her coat and gave one last look to Lucas who was still seated at the table. Her heart broke a little but she ignored it. It was beyond anyone's capability to ever fix.

xxxxx

"I'm sorry we haven't been hanging out more buddy."

They sat on their usual step by the park. Though it was getting cool outside Jaime had insisted on ice cream. Getting ice cream was their thing, a routine they had developed and loved.

Jaime continued to lick his ice cream cone and nodded.

"It's alright Aunt Brooke. Momma says you've got a lot going on and you just need to figure some stuff out."

"You're momma's right."

Jaime giggled before responding, "That's why she's my momma."

Brooke laughed as well at the simplicity of his reasoning.

"Do you want to talk about it Aunt Brooke? Momma says that the best way to feel better is to talk to someone you care about. And you care about me, right?"

She smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "I care about you the most Mr. James Lucas Scott."

She watched him gaze at her with concern. Even at just five she knew he had as much if not more compassion and love than Nathan and Haley combined. He was so much of what had brought her back, of what she missed while away from Tree Hill, "You know I love you and that regardless of everything else that's going on with me, I'll never stop."

Jaime nodded again, "When you were gone, I was really sad. I cried a lot and didn't want to go to school and I didn't want to play with Chester or basketball. And I thought that maybe I wasn't a good Godson and I promised Momma I'd be better if you came back. But Momma said you didn't leave because of me. She said sometimes people run when they're scared. Is that why you left Aunt Brooke?"

She nodded, her eyes filled with tears again and she felt guilt for her actions again. She had hurt him badly and yet he still loved her unconditionally.

"What were you scared of Aunt Brooke?"

She once again faced with the task of explaining to Jaime the way life worked without bringing his world down.

She couldn't find her voice. His questions were simple yet she had no idea how to explain it to him.

"At Quinton's funeral you had all those bruises. Momma said you fell down the stairs but I don't think that's what happened. A boy at school came in with bruises like yours and his mommy and he had to leave their daddy. Did someone hurt you like that Aunt Brooke?"

She took a breath of air and tried to control her voice. She decided being open with him was the best way to explain, "Yeah buddy. They did. And for awhile I was scared no one cared about me. That maybe I didn't deserve the people in my life," she found his fingers loops into hers making the words less burdensome, "Someone I thought cared about me hurt me really bad Jaime. They made me believe all those things. And now I know they aren't true but back then I believed them and I runaway because of them."

He sat quietly next to her for a few moments before he turned to her, his bright blue eyes looking deep into her soul, "Did you really stop believing them Aunt Brooke? Because you still look scared."

She let out a sigh she didn't know she was holding, "Maybe I am Jaime. But I don't know how to stop."

"It's ok, I'm scared sometimes but Momma always leaves a light on and everything is better. The people that care about you Aunt Brooke will always turn on a light for you. The people that won't aren't important."

She gave him a small smile the tension that filled her easing slightly, "How did you get so smart J Luke?"

He shrugged his shoulders and resumed eating his ice cream cone, "I was born this way."

She smiled for a moment, "You are the most important thing in my life Jaime, you know that right?"

He nodded but looked at her again, "What about Uncle Luke?"

"What about him?"

"Is he important?"

Her words came slowly; she was unsure where he was going with this conversation. "Yeah, he is. He's my friend, just like your mom and dad. And Mouth and Skillz. And lots of other people."

"I think you matter most to Uncle Lucas. He was really sad when you left. He got into a lot of fights with mommy and daddy about it. And Peyton too."

She doesn't respond so he continues, "I think it scared Uncle Lucas that you could just leave like that," his voice grew quiet and she knows he isn't just talking about Lucas's experiences but his own as well, "We loved you Aunt Brooke and we didn't know what to do when we lost you."

She pulled him into her lap, his ice cream cone discarded and tears running down his cheeks. He was only five and he had already been so strong.

"I promise I won't ever leave you again Jaime."

He buried his head in her chest and she wrapped him in her arms tightly.

"Can you make Uncle Lucas less sad Aunt Brooke? He's still really sad and I know you can make him feel better."

She let out a sigh, "I'll try Jaime."

xxxxx

Lucas is still where she left him though its hours later. Jaime's word still echoed in her head.

"Hey," she said tentatively. She had left in such haste in the morning, totally disregarding his attempt to connect with her.

She knew she had hurt him but she had not thought just how deeply she had wounded him. How much her keeping him shut out had affected him.

Maybe she had been naive to think she could ignore everything and assume everyone would find a way to move on as well.

He didn't respond so she took a seat next to him.

"I just need time. I'm sorry if it is hurting you Lucas but I really just cannot go through it right now. I'm just trying so hard to put together enough pieces to get by and if I open up about it I'm afraid I might fall apart again."

"But I know I can help. You just have to let me." He sounded so sure of himself but she can't trust him.

"I can't right now Lucas. I just need you to live with it. To move on like I am."

The frustration grew in his voice, "I can't do that. I can't just move on. You're a mess Brooke. I don't know who you are trying to kid."

"Well considering everything that has happened I think I'm doing pretty well."

"I don't know what happened Brooke. That's the thing; I can't help you if you don't tell me."

Her voice becomes harsher, "I never asked you to help me Lucas. I don't need you to put me together like Peyton. I know what it's like being alone so don't think you have to rescue me or something."

She was oscillating again. Back and forth between needing help and denying when people around her reached out.

"You do. You're just too stubborn to admit it." He hasn't raised his voice though the frustration is still present.

He was the one who had written it, not her. _'Fiercely independent…'  
_  
"Don't do this Luke." She was afraid of getting hurt again. Of finding a way to really trust him to have it thrown back in her face like always.

"I won't stop. I know you need someone and I am that person. I know it…"

She's made her way to the stairs already, "I'm sorry I hurt you but fixing me won't help end whatever guilt you are feeling. I'm not strong enough to fix you anymore Lucas."

That's the only thing she can believe. That he needed her to make himself feel better. And she wanted to. Just like in the past she desperately wanted to be able to save him but that was when she believed in herself and their love. Now she really didn't believe in anything.

She reached her room and shut the door, the tears are falling swiftly down her face as she remembered that once long ago they had promised to save each other but somehow they never managed to get it quite right.

Maybe if they had things could have been different.

xxxxx

_I'm keepin' it together  
Just keep it together at best  
Somewhere inside of me  
I know that this is a test_

_You got to burn to shine  
You got to burn to shine  
You got to burn to shine_

xxxxx

Ben Lee

I'm very sorry this update took so long. I for some odd reason thought I'd have time over the holidays but woke up today and realized the holidays were officially over (b/c I go back to work tomorrow) and I had not posted an update! It was like super procrastination. Sorry for the long wait.

Hope you enjoyed the update. There will be much more Brucas interaction in the following chapters, this was like primer. I pushed back their "big" conversation to the next chapter and added the Bramie scene-hope you enjoyed the change.

As to what happened to Brooke while she was gone we'll get to it eventually. There'll also be background into what went on in Tree Hill while she was gone too. There's a lot of this story left so I hope you will stick around with me while I try and get to a healthy Brucas relationship.

Thanks for reading and hope you leave a review.


	9. Be Here Now

Thank you all for reviewing. I really appreciate all the feedback and input. You guys make my world go round!

I do want to preface that there is some adult content in this update. It is not detailed or extremely graphic but it is content that might make some uncomfortable.

xxxx

_Don't let your mind get weary and confused  
Your will be still, don't try  
Don't let your heart get heavy child  
Inside you there's a strength that lies_

xxxx

He ended up where he always did when he couldn't think. When he needed a calm mind to help him sort out everything. He was thankful that after al these years he could still rely on Haley to give him advice.

"I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going crazy."

Haley sighed; she could easily sympathize with her best friend though she herself could find no words of comfort.

"And now that Rachel's here I feel even more disconnected from her. I felt like we were getting somewhere, building trust."

"You are Luke. I think she trusts you the most of anyone. But you also scare her the most," her voice became a whisper in hopes of not hurting his feelings, "You hurt her the worst of anyone of us."

He grimaced slightly, "I know that. I feel like I will never stop paying for it either. After all these years I wish she could just let it all go."

She took his hand in hers, squeezing softly, "You reached her once before and I know you can do it again. You just have to keep faith."

She didn't want to add that it wasn't just the one time. That she could count on both hands the times Brooke had come to her in tears. Each one eroding the relationship until there was nothing left.

"That's easier said than done Haley. She hasn't told me anything about the attack or how she's feeling. It's like a brick wall. And Rachel shows up and she's telling her all sorts of things."

Haley didn't want to pry but the words slipped out, "Like what?"

"Victoria was behind the attack."

Haley remained quiet and her silence spoke louder than anything she could say.

"You knew too?" He was so frustrated and now he was even more confused.

"Lucas…" she started but was quickly cut off.

"Seriously Haley, how could you not tell me? How long have you known?"

She traced the outline of the saucer before finally meeting his eyes, "She told me when she first got back. But only because of the baby."

Lucas inhaled sharply and Haley felt the tension in his stance. She knew he still carried that guilt.

"Lucas…I would have told you but I couldn't betray Brooke's confidence like that. Not after everything that had happened."

He nodded slowly. He knows it's true. The words Brooke told Haley were always meant to be kept quiet. It had been the same way in high school.

He still didn't understand how it was easier to tell everyone else.

"Why won't she open up to me?"

Her voice was so quiet Lucas could barely hear it and she was half afraid of the words herself because this might be opening a chapter in his life that Lucas shut long ago, "Because really trusting you means she might have to admit things she doesn't want to. And that probably scares her just as much as everything else that's been going on."

"Like what things?"

"I don't know Lucas."

She turned on the sink to avoid further questions. He'd have to figure out the rest himself. She wasn't going to point out to Lucas that after all these years there was a reason Brooke had never let anyone else get close to her. That maybe he still had a place in her heart, even if he was ignorant to it.

He waited for her to turn back towards him but quickly realized she wasn't going to. That was all he was going to get from her.

"I better get going. Rachel sent me a text about Tric or something that I need to check on."

"Alright, I'll walk you to the door."

They stood awkwardly for a moment and Haley debated her words, trying to find a way to lift a single burden off her friend's shoulder.

"Lucas…one more thing," she paused, "The miscarriage wasn't your fault. I talked to the doctor; he said Brooke's body was too weak to sustain the pregnancy. There was no way she could carry to term."

He looked down to her, his expression filled with guilt, "That doesn't change the fact that the first thing I did when she got back was tell her how she ruined my life, instead of telling her how much I missed her."

She squeezed his shoulder before pulling him into an embrace, "Sometimes the things we really mean are the hardest ones to say."

xxxx

Lucas entered Tric for the first time in months. Since Brooke's disappearance he had not felt the urge to be around others having fun. When he felt the urge to drink he usually ended up at the Blue Post where the atmosphere was significantly more depressed.

He had hesitated in going but Rachel's text had made it seem like a necessity. He was really hoping the purpose was not to take her home from the bar.

He quickly spotted the red head at the bar with a drink. He frowned; his worst fears seemed to be true.

"So am I here because you're too drunk to drive?"

Rachel glared at him, "This is water. You're here because Brooke's had five shots of something that is _not_ water and is refusing to stop."

He looked at her in disbelief. Brooke's routine had consisted of four places, none of which were Tric.

"You're going to have to do better than that. Brooke hasn't gone out since she came back."

She rolled her eyes before pointing down the bar to her right. Lucas's eyes followed to find a drunk Brooke leaning against the bar.

She was wearing a fitted pair of jeans, not as tight as he had seen her in before but still tighter than the ones she had been wearing lately. Her top was skimpier than her usual attire but still did not display as much cleavage he had once known Brooke to sport. She was still conservatively dressed for bar standards but he noticed how uncomfortable she looked. How she seemed to be trying to look sexy but hating every minute of it.

"How could you let her get this way?" He was angry with Rachel. He had been relying on her to help Brooke not bring her down.

"She texted me right before I texted you. She came here by herself and got herself drunk. She refused to tell me why and when I told her I was taking her home she dumped her drink on me," Rachel signaled to the dark stain on her shirt, "I figured my best option was to keep an eye on her until you showed up. I'm outta here because I've been sitting in clothes that smell like alcohol for the last hour and considering I am a recovering addict there is only so much I can take. I'm leaving her in your care."

She began to move when Lucas gently grabbed her hand, "I'm sorry I accused you of being drunk. It's just that I didn't really expect this from Brooke."

Rachel sighed and turned to watch Brooke for a moment, her lips taught and her eyebrows knit together in confusion, "Trust me, this wasn't what I was expecting when she called me either. I don't know what happened," she looked towards him, her eyes full of the tears she refused she shed, "Promise me you'll take care of her."

He nodded solemnly and with that Rachel set off towards the exit.

He made his way over to where Brooke was standing. It was somewhat difficult given the crowd that surrounded her, he tapped her arm, "Brooke, what are you doing?"

She turned towards him quickly causing her to lose her footing. He steadied her and she tensed slightly at the contact.

She noticed the involuntary response her body had and quickly averted her eyes as they filled with some unknown emotion she refused to let him see. She quickly signaled to the bartender for another.

She looked at him again, the expression of vulnerability he was sure she wore moments a go replaced with a look of drunken carelessness.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" His expression remained stern and she giggled, "Alright Broody. I'm drinking. Better?"

He shifted awkwardly as the bartender appeared and poured her another shot, "I don't think you need anymore Brooke."

"Thanks for coming down but I've got this. So unless you're doing a shot with me you can step away before what happened to Rachel happens to you."

Her words were slurred and some random guy next to her offered to do the shot with her. This was not going how he planned at all. Not that he really had a plan to start with though.

"Brooke. I don't know what happened but I think its time to go home. Come on," he tugged on her arm slightly though she made no effort to move.

"Listen Lucas. Really, thank you for coming but I do not need your help. I can take care of myself and I am having a good time. Do you know how long it's been since I had a good time? Since I didn't feel like crap?" she paused and looked at him like he might actually have a response, when he merely averted his gaze she continued, "See, you don't know. And neither do I. So I'm going to take this opportunity to keep having some fun."

He wished he had a response. He really wanted to make it better for her but he just didn't know how. The one thing he did know, though, was that this was not Brooke's idea of fun. That the intoxicated patrons of Tric may not see beyond Brooke's mask of confidence but he knew it was a lie. He had felt her tense at the contact. The slight tugs at her clothing. This wasn't what she wanted; it was just what she had fooled herself into thinking she wanted.

He grabbed her arm with a stronger grip, "Brooke, lets just go before you do something you regret."

She yanked her arm out of his grasp, "I'm not going to regret anything Lucas so you might as well go home. I can catch a cab at the end of the night."

Someone on the other side of Brooke asked her to dance and Brooke nodded at the man's request.

Lucas quickly shifted to block their way, "She's not looking to dance."

"I think that's up to the lady not you." The man replied with a smirk.

Lucas's blood began to boil as the other guy reached for Brooke's hand and tugged on it to signal her to keep walking.

Brooke noticed Lucas's change in demeanor and placed her hand on his chest, "I want to dance Lucas. Seriously just go home. I'm fine."

He watched her snake her way to the middle of the dance floor and felt so defeated. He eyed the exit unsure of what to do.

xxxx

She wasn't sure how she had ended up at Tric. She just wanted to run away from it all and Tric seemed like the best option at the time. Drinking had been a good escape in high school and she decided on an impulse to return to it. Hoping it might make her feel better. Deep down she knew it wouldn't but somehow she still managed to get trashed and end up on the middle of the dance floor with some random.

The music was loud and the bodies around her pushed her closer to the man she was with. Not that he minded. His hands were on her hips and his hot breath against her neck.

She closed her eyes, her mind making connections she didn't want it to. The man she was with smelled like whiskey.

Her stomach churned and she felt sick.

The night of the attack the man had smelled like whiskey. Like he had used alcohol as cologne. Her clothes had reeked of it. It felt like it had taken hours to get the smell off.

He smelled like whiskey and she knew already that the night was going to end badly.

_She had just turned off the lights when the door creaked and she was thrown backwards on to the hard marble floor._

He tightened his grip on her, moving methodically to the beat. She wasn't even dancing at this point but that didn't stop him from bringing her closer and grinding against her small frame.

_She landed with a thud and suddenly he was on her. His weight was fully on her and it was so hard to breathe. He punched her hard, over and over, until she saw nothing at all._

He was whispering something but she couldn't hear. All she can feel is his sticky breath on her ear and it gave her goose bumps. He turned her around and presses himself into her.

_His hands ripped at the fabric of her dress and it easily came apart at his hands. She tried to push him off but he was so much bigger than her. His one hand is covering her mouth and across her neck cutting off oxygen to her brain. Somehow she still managed to make out the smirk spread across his face._

The alcohol made her wobbly and his hands steady her. His grip is tight and uncomfortable. She could hardly breathe the way he was holding her but he didn't seem to notice. The room began to spin and she wanted something other than his hands to hold on to. But there was nothing there.

_His hands were rough and calloused. They moved without reason or grace. She gathered her strength and managed to shove him off, her leg connecting with his chin. She tried to crawl away but he grabbed her again. He's still smiling as he wipes some blood off his lip. He whispers that he likes them to have a little life in 'em._

She tried to loosen the man's grip on her but his hands remained firmly on her hips. He seemed to misread her signals and somehow managed to instead pull her closer. She felt like she was choking again. The room too small and too many people around her.

_He hit her again, this time she tasted blood. He whispers to her to shut up or he'll kill her and she can't help but hope that might be how it ends. She shoved him again and he's beating her with enough force for her to black out._

She felt his lips at her neck and she was desperate for anyone to see how uncomfortable she is. For someone to step in and release her from his grip.

_The thin fabric of her thong breaks easily and she cringed as he enters her. She wanted to black out again, anything to not feel the pain again. He's still got a hand across her mouth and the other one holds her hands above her head. His mouth is against her ear and he just keeps whispering that he knows she likes it._

"Stop," she managed to get out but the music is too loud and the guy she was with doesn't seem to notice the look of panic that has swept her face. She tried shoving him again but his grip is too strong.

_He grabbed the cash from the register and bent down to her level once again. She's too weak to do anything. He ran a finger down her cheek before whispering 'Have a good night.' And he's gone and she's all alone bleeding on the floor of the store that once held all her dreams._

Lucas grabbed the guy and shoved him away from Brooke. The anger he had felt from earlier was now ten fold. His fingers curled into fists.

"She told you to stop."

The other guy looked offended, "Yeah, well we were having a good time."

Lucas threw a punch and hit the other guy in the jaw. He fell to the floor and made no move to get up. The music stopped and everyone stepped away from the two men.

"That's not a good time. When a girl tells you to stop, you stop."

Lucas grabbed and punched the man again. He went to grab him again when two large bouncers constrained him.

He looked around to find Brooke and make sure she was alright. Suddenly he began to curse himself for not checking on her first.

Panic filled his body as he scanned the crowd and didn't see her anywhere. She had looked so freighted when he had approached them.

"Let me go."

The bouncer loosened his grip and Lucas ran towards the back exit of the bar, praying he would be able to find her.

xxxx

She was standing 15 feet from the exit, hunched over and looking a mess. Her chest moved erratically and it looked like a strain to just get in enough air to stay standing.

He reached her quickly and placed a hand on her shoulder.

She jerked away and looked up. He saw no sign of recognition from her. Her eyes glazed over and she seemed to be a million miles away from him in that moment. It sent a chill down to his spine and he feared where she might be in that moment.

He reached out again.

"Don't touch me." She growled at him before taking a step away. She stumbled and he wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or the lack of oxygen or a mixture of both. Whatever had happened inside the club had shaken her.

He had watched her from his place at the bar and saw her expression go from indifference to panic and all the while the guy she was with took no notice. He had pushed his way to her as fast as possible but it still felt too late as he watched her struggle to catch her breathe now.

"Brooke…" he said quietly, trying to shake her from wherever she was. He took a step forward and placed his hand on her shoulder again, "Brooke, it's me Lucas."

She took in a shaky breath before looking up at him again. This time he saw something reflected back at him.

"Lucas…"

He knew it was enough and quickly pulled her into his arms. She didn't fight him and for that he was thankful.

"Take me home," her voice was muffled against his chest and her arms were limp against her side.

He nodded and began walking with her towards the car. His arm remained wrapped around her and her head rested against his shoulder. She wouldn't ever have to ask him twice.

xxxx

_Don't lose your faith in me  
And I will try not to lose faith in you  
Don't put your trust in walls  
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall_

xxxx

Ray Lamontagne

Next update we find out what happened to Brooke that caused her to go to Tric. And we'll have Brooke talk to Lucas about everything. Yes, like everything. I'm super excited about the update and I hope you guys are too!

As I said earlier, thank you for reviewing and alerting my story. You really do make my world go round. If you have a moment I'd love a review and any thoughts on the update. Thanks for reading!


	10. Winter Song

Enjoy. Please review if you have a moment. Thx :).

xxxx

_They say we're buried far,  
Just like a distant star  
I simply cannot hold._

xxxx

She was sober. One hundred percent, like the tart liquid had never touched her lips. She had never gone from being drunk to sober before but then again she had never experienced anything quite like she had tonight either. So maybe going from drunk to sober was not such a shock. Maybe reliving the night she had been raped had been the shock.

She sat on the couch with a blanket around her shoulders. She had showered and hid the clothes she wore deep in her closet. The smell of the man made her feel ill and it was all she could think of on the drive home. Lucas hadn't asked any questions, his silence maybe part of the reason she had not panicked. Maybe it was simply his presence and not what he did or did not say.

He came in seconds later with two cups of hot chocolate. He handed her one before taking a seat on the couch next to her, close enough for her to feel him but giving her enough space as well.

"I'm sorry."

She was tired of holding it in. Of desperately pushing him away so she could pretend like nothing had changed. That she didn't need him again, like she had always needed him.

She wasn't sure what she needed but in that alley, when she had been so sure the sky was about to fall down on her he had managed to reach her. Somehow he brought her back to the present and away from the memories that had flooded her psyche.

As strong as she claimed she was she had broken tonight and Lucas had willingly picked up the pieces. He had been there when she needed saving tonight.

"It's alright."

She shook her head, "No its not. I was a bitch. And you were just trying to be a friend. God, I've been such a bitch since I got back and you've been so great."

He watched her for a moment. Her hair was still wet from the shower and she wore one of his old sweatshirts. The sleeves too long and bunched up at her wrists. She looked so small to him again. So lost in everything that was happening. All he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and pretend that nothing bad had ever happened.

"You've had a lot going on," he replied lamely instead.

She gave a weak smile, "That excuse gets old really fast."

"I won't tell you it's been a piece of cake but I'd rather have you here than anywhere else."

They sat in silence for a moment before she turned her body towards him. Her legs were crossed and her fingers played idly in her lap, "I know I don't say it, or even show it but I really appreciate you opening up your home to me. And to Rachel. It has been such a comfort this past month knowing I can rely on you."

He cherished her words. He had been so scared she hadn't needed him. That he had been pushing in for no reason. But he didn't tell her that. It felt impossible to tell her how much he had grown to need her over the past month.

"Don't mention it. After everything it's the least I could do."

His hands seemed to take on a life of their own and found their way to trace her chin and up to her ear. She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. It had been such a long time since someone's touch hadn't upset her and given everything that had happened she was surprised the comfort, rather than panic, his touch brought her. For a moment she could think of something other than the weight she carried with her.

"Please tell me what happened tonight Brooke."

She kept her eyes closed. She was sure if she opened them and caught his eye she'd never be able to stop the tears. She always felt so vulnerable under his gaze.

"It all fell apart…"

He scooted forward and pulled her trembling frame into his arms and she went willingly. He had forgotten how perfectly she fit into his arms, how it felt like her body was made in congruence with his own. All his sharp corners somehow molding perfectly with her soft curves.

She rested her head in the crook of his neck breathing in his scent. She had never been able to pinpoint it. Even in high school she had gone through all his body washes and shampoos and colognes never finding the right combination. There was something so unique and distinct about the way he smelled that she had always found calm in his arms.

"There's this girl at the diner. She must be like 16 and she's so smart, and bubbly, and beautiful. And God she reminds me of me at 16, so carefree and happy," she took a breath, thinking of the person she once was, "It was slow so we were sharing tables and there were these two guys there, that just…just…" she groaned in frustration, finding it hard to describe to Lucas just what had transpired.

He rubbed small circles with his thumb on her back and she somehow managed to think straight again, "I was on a break outside and they were smoking a cigarette. They were talking about her and they started talking about me. And I was around the corner but I could hear everything…" her voiced dipped, "Its so stupid Lucas but it hurt so bad. Because I was like her once, and I just feel so empty now. And that's what they said. And they laughed. That I was cold and needed a guy to warm me up."

He held her closer, "It doesn't mean…"

She cut him off, "It does. I'm so tired of feeling nothing. It's so tiring to carry it all and I thought I was getting better. I thought people couldn't see it but these two random guys at the diner could point out everything I felt so easily. I'm such a wreck and I didn't even realize it…"

"You're not a wreck."

"I am. And I thought if I put my mind to it I wouldn't be. That I could just think I was getting better and _poof_, I would be…You must think I'm so stupid."

"I didn't think you were stupid. Never…"

"I was just so desperate to show them I wasn't cold. That I _'didn't have a stick up my ass'_," she mocked and she felt his arms wrap tighter around her, "So I went to Tric. And I had a shot, and I didn't feel better. So I had another and next thing I know the room's spinning and I think that insecure girl I've become is gone. But she's not. She's always there."

Alcohol only provided confidence when she was willing to do whatever it said. When she hadn't been afraid of what might happen if she blacked out. Now it only unlocked more insecurities.

"Brooke, you're not…they don't know…"

She gave a dead laugh, "Just because they don't know doesn't change things," she pushed herself away from him as she felt the tears she had managed to stop from falling started to run down her cheeks, "I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I'm so tired of it all Lucas…"

She pulled her knees up. She had been pretending for so long and she hadn't even known the half of it. She remembered the sound of the door now. The way his hot breath felt against her skin. How he smelled like whiskey. How she couldn't breathe.

He let her pull away. She had always needed her space. She had learned at a young age that too much contact was a bad thing and so he saw her detach herself from emotional situations time and time again. He couldn't change that but he could let her know that asking for distance didn't mean he'd leave. He was there, and he'd be there when she was willing to let him in.

He realized now he had never learned how to give her the space she needed in high school. How it was never an in-between with them. They went back and forth between needing one another so desperately it was hard to breathe when separated to a distance that was all consuming. That was so deep at times it seemed impossible to imagine what it was like to be together again.

"What happened on the dance floor?"

"I had a flashback of the night at the store."

He inhaled sharply and could only watch her as she sat on the edge of the couch, her shoulders slumped and her arms wrapped protectively around her legs. His mouth felt dry and though he wanted to say something he could find no words.

"It was so vivid. It's never been like that before…it always felt like a distant thought in my mind. That I could pretend it never happened if I didn't talk about it or go to the places that reminded me of it. But it was like I was there tonight, so helpless again…like always," she looked at him with desperation. He always managed to make it feel like the world had stopped spinning and right now she felt out of control.

He wanted to avoid her gaze; the rawness of her voice ate at him and the comfort he had found in her words earlier now lost. Maybe he had started to believe her too. That if he ignored the moments when it all went to shit, it was like nothing had changed between them. He could really believe he had never failed her.

"You're not helpless Brooke. You're the strongest person I know."

She rested her head on her knees and turned her face towards him, her sad eyes meeting his, her voice a hushed whisper, "I'm not strong Lucas. If I was strong this wouldn't have happened."

He sighed, "I don't know if I can ever relate to what happened Brooke but I know you're not weak. When Keith died I was so lost. And there were so many things people needed from me but I couldn't keep faith. Not after everything that happened. I couldn't imagine one day and not waking up with this hole inside me. But you were there. You kept me strong when I had nothing left."

"I wasn't strong Lucas. I was barely scraping by." She closed her eyes remembering the moments she barely managed to hold herself together as Lucas fell apart. It had taken everything in her to not break down with him. She never felt strong in those moments, she never felt strong when he asked her questions she had no answers to. She felt like had failed him.

He reached a hand out to her, "You could have fooled me. Knowing you were there was the only thing that got me through. The only thing that gave me the strength to be there for my mom," his fingers interwove with hers and his icy blue eyes met with her clouded hazel ones, "Let me be strong for you. Let me be strong until you feel strong again."

He felt strong after Keith's death because of her. When he had nothing she had been there, she let him be strong for everyone else. She found comfort in the realization.

He had said the words to her before but she had never listened. She never trusted in his words but tonight she felt too tired to object. She had lost faith in a just world, in karma, in life itself. She had questions and doubts that no one could respond too. But so had Lucas. And he sat before her today retaining all the beliefs she had lost.

"It'll ruin us…"

"Maybe it'll fix us…"

Things like this only destroyed people. She had learned that a long time ago.

She leaned forward and let her lips meet his. The kiss chaste but left them both longing for something more. She kissed him again, this time licking his lips, asking for entrance and he obliged.

This was probably a foolish move but she didn't care. She needed to feel something, and feeling Lucas had always effectively shut down everything else going on in her mind. It was just them, always.

They shifted and moved closer to one another, though their lips only parting when they needed air. His hand ran up and down her side causing her to moan in pleasure. They moved without thought, they had been so good at this that it felt like second nature, like it had not been five years since they'd last kissed.

"Brooke…wait," he said pulling away from her slightly. She was beneath him, catching her breathe.

She looked him in his eyes again; she knew what he was afraid of. But she wanted this as much as he did. Since the attack she felt nothing. Like she was watching everyone from afar, unable to connect with anyone. With Lucas now though she felt in the moment. She felt real.

"I just want to feel something else Lucas. I want to feel this," she leaned up and caught his lips.

He hesitated still and so she kissed him again, this time with more passion and intensity, "I want this Lucas."

He gave in to her. There was no denying he wanted it, maybe more than he had ever realized. Being with Brooke had been something he had dreamed about late at night, when some random lay beside him, sometimes when Peyton or Lindsey had been there, though he'd never admit it to anyone. She always felt so right that he could never believe it would be wrong to be with her.

She moved with haste, unbuttoning his shirt quickly and he wanted to follow her pace but something told him not to. Instead he gave her soft kisses and each touch was gentle and planned. He wouldn't rush this; he wouldn't let the desperation of her words push him into rushed actions.

She conceded and allowed him to set the pace. She trembled under him and gave him long kisses to reassure him she was alright. It seemed impossible for it to seem so right when everything else was so wrong. She was reminded of the night in the rain and when they made love with the thunder and lightening. It scared her to feel the same way so many years later and for something that started so reckless and hurried having turned into something so delicate. But somehow it did and she didn't want to think why.

She clung desperately to him as he thrust into her. She didn't want to see his eyes because then he'd see her tears and she didn't want him to think she didn't want this. She did and the passion she felt was so deep she was worried she was falling before she even had a chance to find solid ground to stand on.

It felt good to have his weight on her. It wasn't suffocating or anxious. She just felt safe in his arms.

He felt her tears on his shoulder but he didn't ask questions. He couldn't imagine what was running through her mind so he just held her tightly. His arms wrapped protectively around her as he felt her kiss his neck, reassuring him slightly.

"I'm close," she whispered and her breathe was hot against his ear and her nails dug into his back, sure to leave marks to remind him this was not a dream. He managed to find her lips, sucking on her bottom lip as they both tumbled over the edge together. Her face was wet against his own and she pulled him closer as he reached for the blanket that had long ago fallen off her shoulders.

They were both so tired from everything that had transpired that within minutes they'd fallen asleep in each other's arms. Just like they had so many times so many years ago.

xxxx

She woke up hours later. She expected to feel panicked but instead she still felt calm. Lucas's frame leaned against her, his armed draped lazily across her stomach, the other placed under her. She wanted to tuck herself back under his chin, to let the beat of his heart put her to sleep again but that would be admitting to a reality she wasn't ready to face.

She untangled herself from Lucas's limbs. They couldn't be found like this. Not when Rachel knew nothing about the night before. Not when she herself had no idea what had happened the night before.

She gathered her clothes and made her way to the room she'd been sleeping in for weeks now. It still seemed odd; there had been a moment or two she'd thought of going into Lucas's room. But then she was reminded there was no red door there anymore. That she had not called that place home in years.

She curled up on her bed and tried to decipher a pattern in her actions. Time and time again she had told herself to be rationale. To think before she acted but once again she got caught up in Lucas's words.

But she had needed him. There was no way to deny that. He was the only one who stopped it all from replaying. The person who managed to make her think logically when all logic was lost.

She had needed a release. She was desperate for something to take her away. For someone to show her she could feel the things she'd lost faith in again. She had felt happiness for a few brief moments while in his arms.

'_Let me be strong for you.'_

It would ruin them, she was sure. If she let him in there would be no going back. Like after Keith's death, the words they didn't speak to each other had effectively eliminated any chance of happiness they might share. This would be the same. She'd need him until she didn't anymore and then there'd be nothing left. But he was willing, just as she was so many years ago.

At least his heart was with Peyton so it wouldn't hurt as much. When she lost herself to this pain she had been in love. That pain was much harder to get past.

She dug through the bedside drawer and found the number of the therapist Haley had recommended. She could no longer go about things the way she had been. Denial only worked so long and only so well. After tonight she couldn't just pretend anymore.

She ran her finger over the embossed name. It felt odd to think about spilling her secrets to a stranger but keeping them all inside her head was no better.

She had alienated friends and put herself in more risk. She had hurt them more than she wanted to admit. Maybe telling someone who didn't know her could make it easier. The judgment in their eyes would be less painful.

She'd call in the morning. It would be a real step towards healing. She worried how difficult it would be. Would she be seen as weak or naïve? Probably. But at least she was willing to admit her mistakes. That had to be some sort of progress, she supposed.

And Lucas would be there. He'd listen when the pounding in her head became too much. He'd save her one last time.

xxxx

_My voice; a beacon in the night.  
My words will be your light,  
to carry you to me._

_I'll be your harvester of light  
and send it out tonight  
so we can start again._

xxxx

Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson

Does this make any sense? I don't know. I just wanted to write it and I've gone over it like a million times but nothing feels better. If you need more explanation send me a PM and I'll try and provide some insight into my musings.

And sex is always sex with Brooke and Lucas. It was an emotional outlet for them. Like the start of a very f-ed up pseudo-relationship.

So Brooke is going to get some much needed professional help. And Lucas will be there, helping her. She thinks it'll ruin their friendship but we'll see.

Please review if you have a moment, I really appreciate the feedback. Thank you for reading.


	11. Over and Over

I have an important Author's Note at the end of the update regarding the story. Please take a moment to read it. And don't worry, it isn't me putting this fic on haitus :).

Thank you for reviewing, they really mean a lot to me and I take them all into consideration when writing. Enjoy the update and thanks for reading.

**xxxx**

_Over and over and over and over again  
Let it rain, let it rain  
Over and over and over and over again  
Let it rain, let it rain I need to hide within the storm  
_**xxxx**

She sat straight back in the chair as the woman in front of her ruffled through some papers. The office was spacious and the furniture welcoming but she was all nerves today and nothing could calm her.

"Before we start Brooke I want to tell you there is no right way to deal with trauma. Trauma isn't natural and our bodies aren't designed to work under that kind of stress for extended periods of time," she paused to add emphasis to the importance of her words, "And while trauma isn't natural it is prevalent and more common than it should be. When we don't address the effect the event has had on our lives trauma can have severe repercussions. Sometimes we don't even realize the ways it can penetrate our lives. My goal is to work with you to get to a place where you can deal with the event in a holistic method. Do you think you're ready to start?"

Brooke nodded. She was anxious and nervous but this was the right thing to do. Until she addressed the attack and how it had changed her life she'd never be able to move forward and stop depending on others. The first step at becoming independent again was finding a way to live her life again. She took a breath, "I'm as ready as I'll ever be…"

**xxxx**

She walked down the empty halls trying hard not to fall into the memories that surfaced. Though she had been in the halls many times since graduation it now seemed to echo of things she had lost. With each step she was reminded of a person she wasn't anymore. All of it was an unexpected result of her therapy sessions. Every step forward seemed to yield two back. The anxiety and fear at the thought of her attack had diminished but there were still moments she was thrust back to that night. And when the therapist drifted into other areas of her life she felt like she was hitting a wall once again. The subject of her mother had come up and silence was the only response she could give. Dr. Fields had wanted her to verbalize her emotions but it felt impossible. She never wanted to think about the woman again but the topic came up over and over. Finally, they moved on, though Dr. Fields had stressed they would have to return eventually and dig through the aftermath of her mother's actions.

Talking about her mother wasn't the only subject she avoided. It seemed any discussion of life and what she wanted from it caused her anxiety to rise. That was what brought her here today. The session had been especially difficult and she had left feeling lower than ever before. The questions her therapist had asked made her doubt that would ever feel whole again.

She knocked softly on the door. Nate opened a few seconds later, a little surprised to find Brooke staring back at him.

"Hey, what's going on Brooke?"

He moved out of the doorframe to allow her in and she stepped into the office.

"I'm not disturbing you, am I?"

She took a seat across from his desk. She remembered the times she had been called in there by Whitey for doing something inappropriate during a game or picking a fight with a rival cheerleader. He always told her she was selling herself short, that she didn't have to play the role she was handed in high school. It took her time and heart ache to finally learn that lesson.

"Course not. I was just going over some plays."

She gave him a smile, "So you're enjoying coaching?"

"Yeah, it's been really good. It's only temporary till Skillz is back from Charleston but I can't complain…so what's going on?"

She shook her head in a casual manner, "Nothing much. I just had a session and felt like talking."

Nate nodded and took a seat at his desk, "How're things going?"

She shrugged, "Alright. It's slow and half the time I have nothing to say."

Nathan gave her a small smile, "Yeah I felt the same way. But it helped Haley and I get back to a better place in our relationship."

"I guess it's all relative, huh?"

"What do you mean?" His voice was full of confusion.

"Getting better. I feel like I am, especially with the attack, but then she asks these questions that I have no response to. That I think I won't ever have responses to."

She played with her fingers in her lap. She had come to Nate because of everyone he was the one she knew would understand the most. She remembered their conversation the day of Q's funeral. He had stood before her and confirmed every thought in her head. She was never really given a chance.

"Like what?"

"Just things about life and everything else."

He reached across the desk and gently rubbed her hands with his thumb, "I need more than that to help Davis."

She debated leaving and continuing down a path of denial for a moment. Finally she looked up at Nate's blue eyes, she could easily see the emotions reflecting back at her, the concern he felt for her wellbeing. She decided to try and take a step forward, hoping this time she wouldn't fall back.

"Remember the day of Quinton's funeral. You said you knew what it was like. You knew what it felt like to lose your dream."

"Yeah, I do," he gave her a short reply. He wanted to help but she was all over the place with her words, "What's going on?"

She sighed and looked down at her hands, "She asked me what my dreams were today. And I just sat there and I had no answer. I just, I couldn't say anything."

"That's ok. No one expects you to have an answer for everything. She just wants you to think about all that stuff."

The room was quiet for a moment before she spoke, her words crafted to his reply.

"When I was younger I had a million dreams. I wanted to be a world famous designer with an amazing clothing line. I wanted to be married to a great guy and have two boys and a girl. I wanted a best friend I could always rely on. I wanted so much…but now…Now I don't want anything…"

She trailed off. It seemed odd to say but it was true. Life had proven to her that dreams weren't meant to come true.

"But you'll want it all again Brooke. You just have to give it time. It's not a right or wrong question. You just need to deal with it in your own time."

She stood up and walked around the small office. Nate's words running through her head. She felt unsettled, like a shell of a person. Everyone else dreamed about things and she was sure she'd never desire anything again. The cost seemed too high now.

She examined the faces that hung from the walls of the office. There were hundreds of images. Some from recent years, some from when Whitey was coach, some even older. All of those people had dreams. If you asked they could give a reply in an instant. Did it mean there was something wrong with her if she didn't?

She turned to face him again and she noted his worried expression. She was sure she sounded out of her mind but everything she had told him was the truth. These were the fears that haunted her.

"How'd you learn to dream again Nate?" she paused letting him take in her words, "After you put everything into following that dream, into making it a reality, and realizing it would never come true, how did you ever feel safe to dream again?"

He felt winded. That wasn't a question he was expecting. He wasn't sure how he'd learn to dream again. He had been so consumed with anger and resentment that for a long time he didn't dream. He let the world slip by. But then Haley and Jaime had been there. They had stood by him and lent him their dreams.

"It's not easy. I didn't dream for a long time. I thought it was all over," he ran his hands through his hair and leaned back as he remembered the days it seemed like nothing mattered, "But then Haley and Jaime showed me basketball wasn't my only dream. And Lucas and Skillz showed me that basketball could still be my dream, just not the way I thought."

She remained quiet. She leaned against the wall, her eyes gazing downward. She thought over his words. It seemed so easy but she felt terrified of dreaming again. She didn't want to ever hurt that way again.

"You have all of us Brooke. You don't have to dream alone. We can help you rebuild it all. Everything you lost."

If only it was that easy. She wished they could dream for her. Reinstall within her hope that the future might be better. But what would happen when she found herself alone again? When the people who supported her would return to their own lives and her troubles would no longer be their concern? It seemed easy to say it wouldn't happen but there were more times than she wanted to recall that she found herself alone when she desperately needed a shoulder to lean on.

"I know you guys could help me but I just don't think I have enough left in me to start believing again and then watch as my dreams are taken away again."

She walked toward the chair to get her purse when Nathan grabbed her hand gently, trying to offer some comfort to her, "They won't be taken away again Brooke."

She met his gaze and the despair in her eyes made Nathan's stomach sink. Suddenly it wasn't just about her clothing line but about all the other things in her life as well, all the broken promises and selfish actions of others.

"They always are…"

**xxxx**

"Hey slut," Rachel smiled as Brooke let herself in the redhead's apartment, a pizza box in hand.

"Hey skank. How's moving in going?"

Rachel gave a deep sigh, "Alright. Considering I haven't lived her in years I've got a lot stuff."

They took a seat on Rachel's bare floor and each took a slice.

"I'm really thankful the landlord was willing to wait on me giving her first and last month's rent. I really couldn't stand living at 'Brucas place' any longer."

Brooke threw a breadstick at the redhead, "It's not 'Brucas place', it's just Lucas's place. I'll move out once I'm back on my own two feet."

Rachel laughed, "Yeah, keep telling yourself that."

"Whatever. You were welcome to stay there too. No one rushed you into this apartment."

"Please, if I stayed another day I'd have to cut the sexual tension with a knife."

Brooke held up another breadstick to throw, "There is no tension of any kind between me and Lucas. He loves Peyton. He's meant to be with Peyton."

Rachel gave a dry laugh but remained quiet. It was better to only give Brooke small pushes towards Lucas. It was apparent something was going on with them but Brooke preferred to remain oblivious at the moment.

Rachel wasn't sure if Brooke was ready to risk her heart but Lucas had promised her over and over he wouldn't hurt the brunette again. And she trusted him, she wasn't sure why but his words seemed genuine. Maybe he had truly learned from the past.

Sitting in the apartment teasing one another reminded her of high school. Of the moments the two shared that brought them closer as friends. Brooke and Lucas had been ignorant of their feelings for one another then as well. Even now it felt like the only ones who didn't know that Lucas and Brooke belonged together was Lucas and Brooke, and maybe Peyton. But her departure seemed to imply that she too had realized who shared the deeper connection.

"You had a session today, right?" Brooked nodded. "How'd it go?" Brooke shrugged and continued to eat in silence.

Rachel watched the brunette tried to make it seem like she had suddenly become highly engrossed in an old tabloid. The mention of her therapy sessions had sent Brooke into another world. She tried to act indifferent but Rachel noticed the tension that ran through her frame and the overwhelmed expression that suddenly found itself on Brooke's face. But the other girl was unaware that this was all visible to the outside world.

"Well, I found a good NA meeting today. And I have a new sponsor, Sarah from Oakdale."

"That's great. I'm so proud of you Rach."

"I'm proud of me too. Getting clean was the hardest thing I've ever done and I won't ever let myself go through it again," Rachel watched Brooke for a moment, "Rehab was hard alone. And I wished so bad I could go back to those few days in Tree Hill when you offered to help me. But being alone also made it easier. Because as much as I wanted you at those meetings with me a part of me could only think of how ashamed I felt. Of how you might judge me and not understand."

"Rachel, you know I wouldn't have judged you, I would never…"

"I know that but there's still the fear. The worry that your friends might not understand."

Brooke picked at the crust of the pizza; Rachel's words had made her suddenly feel uneasy and though Rachel was talking about rehab it seemed to describe her situation as well, "Why are you telling me all this Rach?"

Rach l met Brooke's gaze, she would not veil her intentions, "They have an assault survivors meeting at the Community Center. They meet every Wednesday, it's all really private and..."

Brooke gave a half smile and cut her off, "Thanks but no thanks Rachel. I'm good with my one on one sessions."

"Maybe it'll be good for you to go to one."

Brooke shook her head, "Why? How is sitting around and getting a room full of strangers to feel sorry for me going to help? I don't need anyone's sympathy."

"It's not about sympathy Brooke. Rehab let me see that what I experienced wasn't because there was something wrong with me; that other people went through it too. What Victoria did was horrible, it's irreprehensible but everything you are feeling is what hundreds of women feel. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone in a situation."

Brooke turned her gaze away, "I am alone Rachel."

"No you're not."

"My mother paid someone to attack me Rachel. No one can understand that."

Rachel shook her head, "You carry around this guilt like you asked for it. Like you did something to make Victoria the bitch she is but you didn't."

"It wasn't some random act Rachel. This was premeditated. It was my fault. I didn't take a stand when I should have. I let Victoria get away with it; I let her make me this sad, pathetic person I am today." Brooke motioned to herself. She felt on edge again as thoughts of her confrontation with Victoria came to her mind.

"You are not sad or pathetic Brooke. You are the most amazing and loyal and caring person I know. You are the reason I'm clean today."

Rachel's words had some affect on Brooke as she realized maybe she wasn't as damaged as she thought, "You give me too much credit."

Rachel gave her a small smile and squeezed Brooke's hand, "And you don't give yourself enough."

**xxxx**

It was later than usual when the door creaked open. He didn't even flinch when her cold limbs brushed against his as she crawled into the bed, her head finally coming to a rest against his chest.

He had become accustomed to Brooke's form next to his. Since Rachel had moved out Brooke had spent most nights in his room. They hadn't slept together again and they hadn't talked about it either. But Lucas had no questions. He knew what her touches had implied; her need for him was so basic it was like breathing itself. She had told him long ago, though the memory still new in his mind, that she always felt safe in his arms and that was she had needed that night. And nearly every night since he had provided her with the same comfort. A place to escape everything else.

Sometimes she would share her thoughts with him. Late at night when the rest of the world was asleep and her fears kept her up. But then there were times she was so quiet. When she had no words to explain the tears that stained his shirt. Moments like those were more common but he took it all, because he had promised he'd be there.

"I was getting worried about you…"

"I was at Rachel's and then I went for a drive. I just needed some quiet time."

"Are you okay?"

She nodded, "Yeah, just tired." She was quiet for a moment but he sensed the hesitation in her voice. After a moment she spoke again, "Do you think I'm getting better Lucas?"

He sighed unsure of how to respond. It was a difficult path and progress was not linear. She did seem better at times but she still refused to sketch or talk about Victoria.

"What do you mean?"

She sat up and pulled her legs close to her body, the sheet pulled around her, "Do you think the therapy is working? That I'm becoming 'Brooke Davis' again?"

"You've always been Brooke Davis…"

No she hadn't. She felt like someone else in her skin. Like the reflection was a person she didn't recognize. Brooke Davis had been spirited and fierce. She was nothing like that now.

When she remained silent he questioned her, "Where is all this coming from?"

She shrugged her shoulders. From a lot of places. From her session and conversation with Nathan. From Rachel's pointed discussion of the guilt she carried.

"I just want to be better and move on. But everyone says I need to talk about all this stuff I don't want to if I want to get better," she paused and looked up at him, "I just don't know if it's worth it."

He knew she was talking about Victoria. Addressing her relationship with her mother meant digging into a lifetime's worth of neglect. Things he was sure Brooke had ignored for most of her life in order to present some semblance of a normal life to others.

"Why do you think it isn't worth it?"

She was sure if she ever admitted how psychotic her childhood had been people would not understand. That they might offer support at first but crafting a life after admitting all the misery she had disguised seemed impossible. She could never do it alone and she knew eventually she'd be alone again.

"What will it solve Lucas? How is delving into all that pain going to help?"

He sighed and pulled her into his embrace and she lacked the strength to resist anymore, "Because it's too much to carry. It's too much for one person."

"I've done a pretty good job so far. I've always managed to get by without needing anyone," she whispered against his chest.

"But you don't have to…I told you that you save people Brooke. You are always there for people, why do you think that they, that I, won't be there for you now?"

"Maybe you will but I can't risk that you won't. That your own lives won't become more important once again…"

The silence consumed the room and Lucas contemplated how many times it seemed like they had the same argument. She never gave herself fully and maybe he had given her cause, "I promise I'll be there Brooke, we'll all be there."

Her voice steady and pained, "Don't make promises you can't keep Lucas. Just please don't…"

The emptiness of her voice caused Lucas's heart to ache. She didn't sound angry at the promise, just disappointed that he would continue to spin tales at her expense.

"Why don't you ever believe me?"

"Because you've never given me reason to Lucas…"

He tried to think of a response but no coherent response formed. The words hadn't surprised him but hearing the truth in her defeated tone caused his mouth to become dry. He always felt like he had failed the people most important to him when she said things like that.

She shifted, creating some distance between the two of them and soon her breathing evened out. Lucas knew she was asleep within moments of opening his eyes to the mistakes a boy made with a girl with a broken heart. To the countless times he had left her devastated by one of his thoughtless actions.

He closed his eyes as well but sleep never came. He wondered how long it would take to prove to Brooke that this time was different. That he was a different man today.

**xxxx**

_I really thought I was okay  
I really thought I was just fine  
But when I woke up this time  
There was nothing to take you off my mind_

**xxxx**

Rachael Yamagata lyrics

A/N: I am very sorry for the long wait on an update. Recently some personal issues have prevented me from being able to sit and write. A friend accidentally overdosed on anti-depressant medication and this has caused me rethink where I want this story to go. I have alluded to Brooke's use of drugs and the possibility of dependence but I am going to veer away from that part of the story. At this time I cannot personally write anything related to the matter and do not want to misrepresent the subject matter. I dislike when authors leave major plot holes in their fics but I will try very hard to address Brooke's use of the pills in a different manner. In addition, I have decided to minimize focus on what happened while Brooke was gone for the four months. Once again I am just not in a place where I feel emotionally prepared to write that type of content. I do not plan on completely ignoring her disappearance and we will come to the subject in a few updates.

And no need to worry about Lucas and Brooke, the pseudo relationship is not going to be really f-ed up, it'll just interesting to see how it progresses and unfolds itself into a real relationship, something both of them aren't expecting.

Thank you for your patience with the updates. And thank you for reading and reviewing as well. Those reviews have played an important part in helping me through this difficult time. If you have a moment I would love any feedback on either the update or changes in the storyline. Thanks and hope you enjoyed.


	12. One Fine Wire

Thank you for all your words of support. It was very helpful knowing there were people who really cared about the situation. Thankfully my friend is doing much better allowing me focus once again.

In regards to the story I made the decision to try and finish writing the story before posting more updates. I've gotten a few chapters done but it is somewhat of a struggle because I like to know what you all think of the updates via reviews. Hopefully I can find a happy medium between writing before hand and incorporating constructive criticism and suggestions. I do have most of the next few chapters written as well so updates should hopefully be quicker than in the past.

Hope you enjoy the update. We are reaching a turning point in the story where stubborn Brooke may finally realize things are different and begin to move forward in her recovery. There will, of course, be roadblocks but there will be lots of progress none the less. Much of the treatment methods I've used are from the book "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman and class material from an undergraduate psych class so my methods are by no means the end all in regards to dealing with rape and trauma. Hopefully I have employed their methods properly.

Thank you so much for your reviews and thoughts.

**_xxxx_**

_I __try so many times  
but it's not taking me  
and it seems so long ago  
that I used to believe  
and I'm so lost inside of my head  
and crazy  
but I can't get out of it  
I'm just stumbling_

**_xxxx_**

She watched the minutes slowly pass while she sat on Rachel's couch. She wasn't reading the magazine that was in her hands, rather trying to think of a way to bring up the assignment Dr. Fields had given her.

"So I got homework from my therapist," Brooke finally began deciding to just address the situation. Her tone trying to hint to Rachel the assignment was to be given little thought.

Lately it felt like Dr. Fields was asking more and more of her. Suddenly there were more goals to be met and maybe it was a sign of progress but it felt a little overwhelming at times.

Rachel lifted her own gaze from the television, "Well, what is it?"

"It's nothing big we just have these goals for what we want out of therapy and one of them is rebuilding positive beliefs about our self…It's really stupid but I have to ask all my friends and since I'm here I figured I'd get it over with."

"It's not stupid. We did something like it in rehab. So what am I supposed to do?" Rachel had set down the remote and was facing Brook fully. She knew this was an important step in recovery even if Brook wouldn't admit it.

Brooke shrugged feeling uncomfortable with the attention Rachel was giving her. It really was a silly exercise. She didn't need other people to rebuild her own self esteem but she had promised Dr. Fields she would at least talk to one of her friends before her next session and Rachel seemed like the one most likely to laugh it off with her and let her make up some story for Dr. Fields. Clearly she had been misguided.

"Come on…what does she want you to do?"

She took a deep breath and rolled her eyes to exaggerate the absurdity of the assignment, "I'm supposed to ask you to describe something about myself, something that I might not see in myself."

Dr. Fields had told her they were at a stage where they had to take more of an active role in the therapy. That the one on one interaction would not be enough to integrate the trauma into her life. She had originally thought the assignment a joke until Dr. Field's expression remained stern and Brooke's smile disappeared.

"Things you don't necessarily see in yourself…"

Brooke suddenly felt awkward as Rachel's expression grew even more serious and Brooke knew the redhead was taking Dr. Field's work very seriously.

"There are a lot things you don't see in yourself."

"Please Rachel. Don't you start too. Dr. Fields already thinks I have some inferiority complex."

Rachel gave a short dry laugh; "Well…" she began before meeting Brooke's eye and knowing not to continue, "Fine. Let's see," she took a breath to help give her a second to organize her thoughts, "First thing, you give selflessly."

"What does that mean, I give selflessly. Doesn't everyone do that?"

Rachel gave a quick shake of her head, there was no else she knew that gave the way Brooke did. With her whole heart, even when it was breaking.

"Most people give with the expectation that they will get something in return. It's always part of a plan to get something they want. You just give and expect nothing. You have sacrificed so much for other people Brooke. I don't think you have ever realized it…"

"I know what I've done Rachel. It was all things I wanted to do. I never wanted to be acknowledged for it. I just wanted the people I loved to be happy."

Her mind automatically drifted to Peyton and Lucas. She felt the familiar ache in her heart when her mind drifted to senior year of high school. Everything she had given up for the two people she loved the most in the world. It should have been enough.

"It isn't your responsibility to make sure everyone is happy, that's their own job. It is something people need to learn to do themselves."

"That doesn't even make sense Rachel. I knew this assignment was pointless."

Rachel watched as Brooke's posture changed to a protective huddle. She leaned against the back of the couch, her knees pulled in tightly. Brooke picked up the magazine and tried to distance herself from the conversation and the feelings it brought on. Rachel gave a small sigh, perhaps there was another approach.

"I know about the pills you flushed Brooke. Your doctor said she had given them to you to deal with your panic attacks. That most rape victims found it near impossible to function without them."

"Well, I'm not most people Rachel. I just didn't want to take those pills anymore."

"Yeah, well I think the reason you threw them out was because I moved in."

Brook's silence confirmed Rachel's inclination, "It's not that I don't appreciate the thought Brooke but I have to stand on my own two feet. I have to fight this addiction myself. I don't need you making sacrifices on my part Brooke."

"Well Rach, your scoreboard isn't doing too well. I leave you once and find you overdosed in my bathroom. Next time you run off and go God knows where. I'm sorry if me looking out for you is a drag. I just can't lose any of you guys," what started as a harsh criticism of Rachel's past actions ended in a defeated hush.

She had not meant to be so blunt but the words had escaped her mouth without a second thought and she had seen Rachel try to mask her hurt expression.

"I didn't meant that Rachel. I just, you have a history of picking up and leaving. Even before all this. Remember senior year?"

Rachel nodded understanding where the brunette was coming from, "Yeah, but that's who I am. You can't change that in me. I don't know how long I'll be here in Tree Hill but I promise you won't lose me like that again. I am never going down that path again." She didn't take offense to Brooke's statement; Rachel knew of Brooke's concern for disappearing friends.

Brooke uncurled herself from the wound position she was in and moved to the couch Rachel was on. She placed her head on the redhead's shoulder and their hands intertwined, "I know you are strong enough to get through your addiction. I guess tossing the pills let me feel more in control of the situation that I felt lost in," she closed her eyes, understanding that there was more to her actions than she wanted to admit to, "I guess thinking it was best for you let me stop thinking about the reasons I needed them. I could just ignore it all and take care of everyone else's needs."

Rachel gave her hand a squeeze, "At least you're admitting it. It's okay to do things for yourself. You have to do the things that make you happy. You can't go through all of life being a martyr."

She gave a small sigh, "It's what everyone expects. I don't want to let everyone down." She said it without a second thought, admitting that what Rachel said was the truth.

Maybe Peyton was always the victim and Lucas the hero. Martyr was the only role she had left to play.

"The only thing people want for you Brooke is that you're happy. Maybe it's time people made sacrifices for you. I won't ever be Peyton. I am not that kind of person and I know that isn't what you want from me. Our friendships are different. Dr. Fields wants you to rebuild your support network and maybe she needs to be a part of it. Peyton should know that what she wants isn't the most important thing in this situation and if she ever wants to mend your friendship she needs to be here now for you."

"I can't. Peyton left and she made it clear she didn't want me contacting her. I really hurt her leaving like I did Rachel. I was angry at first but if she did that to me…I'm sure I would have done the same thing."

"You and Peyton would do drastically different things. I know if the situation was reversed you'd be there for her. You didn't do anything wrong Brooke. You may have left and some people were hurt but you were doing what was best for you. At that time you thought that was the only way to heal, and you know different now but no one is in your shoes so no one can judge you for your decisions. Make Peyton know that. If you really need her she should come back to Tree Hill."

She wasn't used to asking others for help, asking others to accommodate her. But maybe Rachel was right. She had given Peyton the space she asked for and maybe it was time to now to ask Peyton for the help she needed in rebuilding her life.

"At least tell me you will seriously think about it."

She gave a slight nod of her head and picked up the magazine. She didn't make rushed decisions anymore. She'd think about it like Rachel had asked but the thought that maybe the people she loved would fail her again seemed too much a reality to ask for help just yet.

**_xxxx_**

Jaime cannon balled into the pool and Brooke smiled as a few drops splashed onto her. She sat on the edge, her pants rolled up to allow her to dip her feet into the cool water. It had been a day since her conversation with Rachel. Dr. Fields had been satisfied with her attempt at the assignment though she had also made it clear they were not done with the topic.

Jaime ran up the steps and out of the pool and embraced Haley, getting her slightly wet in the process. She smiled and ruffled his hair. She pointed Jaime towards Nathan before making her way around the pool and coming to a stop near Brooke. She sat down and rolled up pant legs just as Brooke had done.

"How're you doing?"

She remained quiet for a moment unsure how to respond. Things were getting better but there were still things in her life that were in complete disarray.

"I feel pretty good."

Jaime ran back over holding a hot dog in each hand, allowing her a distraction from the conversation, "Are both of those for you Mr. James Lucas Scott?"

He quickly shook his head, "One's for you Aunt Brooke. We think you're too skinny!"

She gave a laugh and took the hot dog from his hands, "Well thank you for your concern and I will make sure to eat lots of hotdogs."

"He didn't mean that," Haley laughed nervously and pulled Jaime towards her. She couldn't help but smile at Haley's expression of horror knowing her talkative son had once again shared a conversation he wasn't even supposed to have heard.

She shook her head to signal she was not offended by her godson's comments, "its ok Hales. I know you guys worry about me. No need to hide it."

She took a bite of the food and watched the reflection of the light on the water. For a moment it felt like her life was finally beginning to have some semblance of normalcy. She turned towards Haley who was still holding Jaime loosely. She was such a good mother. Even though she had not planned to have children so young Haley was a natural. It was a role she had fallen into but she had made sure to always provide the best for Jaime.

She thought of Angie and the decision to become a mother. She had taken it upon herself to find a child. Maybe that's why the agency had turned her down. Being a mother was something you could not force, it would happen with time.

She closed her eyes for a moment as her thoughts shifted to her short-lived pregnancy and the miscarriage. The child she wasn't sure she had even wanted. Suddenly she began to doubt her ability to be a good mother. The ease she had experienced with Angie overshadowed by the selfish actions she had undertaken. How could she make such mistakes? Pretending things would somehow work out didn't mean they would. She had killed that child and there was no pretending otherwise.

"What are you thinking about?"

Haley's voice brought her back to her surroundings, she looked over at Haley and noticed Jaime had gotten up and she hadn't even noticed, "Nothing…"

"You had that look on your face. What's going on?"

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Her fingers gripped the sides of the pool tightly, her knuckles turning white, keeping her mind focused on the moment and preventing her from thinking of the miscarriage and the past.

Finally she spoke, "You're just so good with Jaime. I just wonder if I'll be able to do it one day…"

"Of course you will Brooke. You're amazing with Jaime, and you gave Angie so much love."

She closed her eyes again; those were all things from the past. Before the attack and she learned her mother was basically incapable of loving her or anyone else. People always joked that in the end all women became their mothers and she feared that would be true. She had never loved anyone without hurting them, how could she love a child and ever expect it to be any different?

Haley noted the silence that had fallen between them. She believed Brooke's statement about feeling better but there were certainly things Brooke was not discussing and from her hesitation regarding motherhood Haley knew Victoria was involved. The woman had managed to destroy all the beliefs Brooke held about herself.

"Have you talked to Dr. Fields about Victoria?"

Brooke gave a quick shake of her head.

"Any reasons why you haven't?"

Brooke thought there were too many to list. It shouldn't hurt so much, she was sure of that. Victoria hadn't been in her life for so long it seemed impossible for her to wreak such havoc now.

"You know I never cared about her, or the fact that she was never there for me. I had Peyton and Momma Sawyer," She looked towards Haley finding the words easy to say with Haley's comforting gaze upon her, "I didn't even know I was missing something until Anna passed away. Peyton and I stayed in bed for two straight weeks. I knew then I would never feel anything resembling the love I felt towards Anna for my own mother. And I just accepted it. How did I get to a place where a woman I have no emotional connection to would be able to hurt me so bad?"

Haley scooted towards the brunette and pulled her in a lose hug, reassuring her that her comments were not irrational. A mother was always a mother; there was no way to deny that fact. Even if Brooke had never acknowledged a connection or longing for her mother, it existed and it ran deeper than she wanted to admit. Haley would do anything for her family. Victoria seemed to function in a manner completely opposite.

"You know Victoria's actions have nothing to do with you. There was never anything wrong with you that made her that way Brooke."

She nodded slowly allowing herself to really believe Haley's words. Perhaps Dr. Field's constant assurance that she was not at fault were having some effect.

And within seconds of the thought she suddenly she felt vulnerable with Haley at her side. She had just shared her feeling about Victoria and she could only imagine what Haley was thinking.

Did she pity her for such an unusual childhood? She had basically acknowledged that she had never really known a mother's love. As much as she cared for Anna she could never be her true mother. Peyton was no longer her sister and the memory of Anna didn't feel like it was even rightfully her's anymore. What would Anna think of the way she had treated her friends? She had hurt the only family she had ever known.

"I got to go Haley. Thanks for the invite…" She got up quickly and grabbed a towel Haley had brought out earlier.

"Brooke, you don't have to leave yet. Things are just getting started." She tried to ease the tension that had suddenly erupted between the two of them but Brooke continued to furiously put her things away.

"I just can't…" Brooke's voice cracked slightly as she put on her shoes. This was not how she imagined the day going but the topic of Victoria had caused the panic to rise in the pit of her stomach again.

She didn't want to feel this again. She didn't want to constantly face the doubt of whether she was at fault when it came to everything that had happened with Victoria. It seemed all too easy to put the blame on the other woman and consider herself innocent in the situation. Whatever part she may have played she wanted to ignore it all. It felt like enough to have addressed the attack and she wanted to truly ignore everything else. She no longer was having panic attacks, and she was sleeping through the night. It seemed like she was fixed enough to live a normal life. She would just forever close the door on having a normal relationship with anyone. She would only hurt them, just as Victoria had hurt her, she was sure.

Jaime came running towards her with two cookies in his hands. His smile quickly faltered when he realized she was leaving.

"You didn't even go swimming Aunt Brooke."

She pulled him into a hug, "I know but I have some important things to get done…There'll be lots of warm days for us to enjoy the pool…okay?"

He gave her a small smile, the disappointment still visible in his eyes, "Promise?"

"Yeah buddy." She wondered if she would keep the promise.

He clung to her tightly a few moments longer than expected and she felt the doubts fade slightly. Whatever she had done wrong in the past seemed irrelevant as the little boy in front of her showed how deep his concern for her ran. Each time he saw her, she saw his eyes flicker with hope that she would return to being the same Godmother with passion in her eyes.

She said goodbye to Nathan and Haley and walked quickly to her car. She was so uncertain about how to move forward. There had been some relief from discussing the things she had ignored for so long but there was the ever present fear that if she did admit to it all there would be too much to fix. Too many strings to keep tied together. How could anyone guarantee it would be better?

She was nearly at her car when Haley caught up with her.

"Brooke, wait a minute."

She exhaled calmly before turning to face the brunette. Her expression masking any emotion that had fluttered to the surface moments ago.

"Hales, I'm running late and…"

Haley shook her head, telling Brooke her excuses were unnecessary, "Its okay. I understand if you need time to process it all but don't doubt your ability to be a mom Brooke. Whatever happened in the past doesn't change the fact that you have an amazing heart. You have a lot to give to others. Just remember that."

Their eyes met and Brooke felt the panic in her chest settle. All these people believed in her, believed she had something left to give.

"Thanks Haley. I think I needed to hear that."

"I thought maybe you did. I have to get back in…are you sure you don't want to stay a bit? Lucas and Skillz should be here soon."

She gave a quick shake of her head, "I do have some things to get to today but I'll come by later. Thanks for everything Hales."

Haley gave Brooke a long hug before walking back inside. She waved once from the front step and Brooke returned the gesture as she got into her car.

She took a breath as the realization spread through her. She didn't want to be an empty shell of a person. She wanted to provide all those who cared for her with love somehow. They deserved that much after everything they had given her. She closed her eyes, relaxing in the seat. They had taken leaps in rebuilding the friendships she once thought were forever destroyed. They seemed hell-bent on proving she wouldn't be alone again and she had started to believe in their actions. She was sure life would be easier if she let them in once again.

She had even trusted Haley enough today to talk about her childhood. Even if she wasn't willing to acknowledge it maybe things had changed. Her reasons for fleeing and Victoria's words now almost a distant memory. She was stronger now and maybe she was finally ready to confront the monsters she had kept locked inside her own mind. Maybe it was time to take control of her own recovery.

**_xxxx_**

The call went straight to voice mail as expected and Brooke tapped her foot nervously. She contemplated hanging up and pretending she had never picked up the phone. Instead she remained steadfast in her decision and waited for the monotone woman to finish telling her how to leave a message her friend may not even hear.

She took a breath and began knowing 30 seconds was not enough time to tell Peyton all her thoughts but she had to at least try.

"Hey Peyton. It's me, I know you said you would call when you were ready to talk but that doesn't really work for me. We always said we'd be there for each other, no matter what. And I need you. That should be all that matters."

She hung up the phone quickly. She had said all she could before the nauseous feelings overcame her. She couldn't bear to think what she would do if Peyton didn't reply. She hated the uncertainty of it all. She had always tried to be the best friend possible to Peyton and now she was left to wonder whether it would be enough to bring the blonde home.

**_xxxx_**

_And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head  
I'm juggling and my fears on fire  
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head  
I'm balancing on one fine wire_

**_xxxx_**

Song credit Colbie Caillat "One Fine Wire"

Peyton will make an appearance, though it will be in a few chapters. There are some other things going on which will take precedence. Expect some Brucas bonding and Jaime in the next chapter. Hope you enjoyed the update!

Thank you once again for reviewing and supporting this story. It is a favorite to write and helps keep the Brucas fire burning in my heart! Please review if you have a moment. Thanks.


	13. Every Little Thing

Please don't lose faith in me, I will get there…slowly but surely so hang in there with me please. I was not 100 percent satisfied with this chapter but I think it conveys most of what I wanted to so here it is. Hopefully this is a taste of the Brucas interaction people have been waiting for.

Thank you to everyone that reviewed (and sent messages). It is all appreciated and keeps me motivated. Enjoy!

**_xxxx_**

Brooke sat sprawled on the couch. Her day had been particularly uneventful. She had worked her shift at the diner, come home, and made dinner for herself and Lucas. Both had managed to eat two spoonfuls of the burnt pasta before agreeing that ordering a pizza was a necessity.

The box now lay empty on the table in front of her. Lucas on the other end flipping through the channels.

"Let's do something," he said out of the blue, while sitting up with determination. They had spent too many evenings like this. It was peaceful but he wanted to get out, get Brooke out of the house. He wanted to walk around, stretch his legs, and explore the town with the girl he had once known so well.

"What are you talking about?"

"Why are we just sitting here doing nothing? Come on, let's go somewhere."

"Lucas, its eight on a Tuesday, there is nowhere to go in this town."

He dawned a look of deep thought. She did have a point. Tree Hill didn't offer much entertainment which had of course led to his youth being filled with either books or neighbor's hot tubs. Neither was an option now but he still wanted to do something. Finally he remembered a place that would always take him away, "I know somewhere we can go."

She gave him a doubtful look.

"Trust me."

"Seriously Lucas?"

He nodded while rising to his feet and moving towards her. He offered her a hand, "Yeah I'm serious. Let's get out of here."

She shook her head, and took his hand. Somehow Lucas always managed to convince her when she was unsure. Not that she needed much convincing; there was a part of her that wanted to get out of the house as well. She missed the spontaneity of her old life. She didn't live by strict timelines of locations and expectations of what was expected all her life. Being carefree had defined her once and she wished desperately she could regain that small part of herself, "Okay, you got me. Let's go take this town on..."

A smile on her face as she followed him out of the door.

_********__xxxx_

_**Every little thing I do  
Trickles down and lands on you  
I don't plan to get it wrong  
Maybe keep your raincoat on**_

She got out of the car hesitantly, Lucas was already out and opening his trunk, to retrieve a basketball, she was sure.

She noted that Peyton's drawing of the comet and the words from his book were no longer painted on the court. She didn't acknowledge the change but wondered whose decision it had been to remove the declaration of love.

"River court? This is your idea of something fun?"

Lucas closed the trunk and gave her an expression she quickly understood, "Okay, let me rephrase, you thought I would have fun here?"

She asked him the second question while walking to the side of the court, her hands buried deep in her pockets. The light off the river made the court look serene and welcoming like she had never noticed before.

He gave a laugh, "Yeah, I figured I could show you some new moves, work on your jump shot." He noticed her expression watching the river and the court. He came to stand beside her, basketball bouncing back and forth in his hands, "It's beautiful this time of year."

He turned to watch her for a moment and their eyes met. He felt short of breath for a moment and couldn't understand why. And then Brooke broke the stare and walked on to the court, a grin upon her face, "I should have known better when you said I should bring tennis shoes."

Oxygen filled his lungs once again allowing a thought to form. "It could be worse; I could have brought Jaime to kick your but."

"I'll show you my game face Scott…" she said while turning to face him, "Since this was not my choice it's gonna be my rules. We play a game of horse. Last person to make it out is the pro here. And one more thing, I decide where we shoot from."

He shrugged his shoulders he knew this court like the back of his hand. He had no worries, "Sounds good to me. But let's make it a little more interesting. How about for every shot we miss we have to tell the other person something we haven't told anyone before."

She glanced up into his eyes wondering what he was getting at, "And why would we do that?"

He dribbled the ball a few times before looking at her, "I just want to get to know you again Brooke Davis."

He knew she had a lot of secrets. The Brooke before him was not as open with her life and he missed knowing what was going on inside her head. Lately he felt her growing need for independence and though he was proud of all she had accomplished, he worried one day she would simply have her boxes packed and would be ready to move on with her life.

He had grown accustomed to their routine. To knowing she would be home when he got there, making a fresh pot of coffee before leaving for work. He had grown to enjoy the presence of another and he worried what his house would feel like once she left. He had not liked the emptiness the house had offered him after Peyton had left. Though he had felt no relief when she was there either, there were long nights at the record studio and business trips that turned from days into weeks. Being with her had felt just like being alone at times.

He shook his head, trying to forget thoughts of Brooke's long absence. She had yet to mention it and he did not want to push her away himself.

"You have a deal Scott. Though let me warn you, I've been practicing my game."

He merely laughed, "Alright, where's the first shot from?"

She walked him over to the corner, along the three point line.

"Easy…" His hands dribbled the ball and then swiftly threw it up into the air. It fell in with a swoosh.

She playfully glared at him as he retrieved the ball and passed it to her. She dribbled as he had and took the shot. It bounced along the rim and fell into the basket.

"Someone's been practicing," he said while retrieving the ball.

She gave him a sly smile, "I never told you what Jaime and I do on our afternoons together."

She walked to another area of the court, slightly further out but a specific shot she had mastered a few weeks ago after endless practice shots with her grandson.

He gave her another wistful look, "I can sink this in my sleep."

He lined up the shot though she took the opportune moment to adjust her shirt.

The ball hit the backboard and bounced off to the side of the court.  
He shook his head knowing better than to have fallen for one of Brooke Davis's oldest tricks.

"Fine, I missed one. So a secret, huh?"

She nodded while lining up her own shot; she took it a moment later while he was still contemplating his secret. She sunk it without even hitting the net. Maybe he should have thought twice about the wager.

"Alright, but you can't tell anyone. I mean no one because I know you will want to."

She nodded her head, "Cross my heart."

"In third grade I wanted to be a dancer. We didn't get a lot of TV channels but some how we got rerun episodes of 'Soul Train.' I practiced every waking moment dreaming of being called by the great Don Cornelius. One day I was sitting with Keith when it came on and he was laughing and telling me how this show used to be on when he was a kid. That's when I realized it wasn't live and that disco was not still in. I picked up a basketball after that."

Brooke managed to hold back her laugher to ensure Lucas he was not wrong in sharing the secret with her, though she ws unable to keep a wide grin from appearing on her face, "I have to see your disco moves."

He shook his head, "Never gonna happen Cheery, never gonna happen."

She smiled at hearing her old nikcname, it had been a long time since she had heard it and it brought back memories of a better time. And it made her feel better about things.

"Fine…but one day Lucas, I'm gonna trick you into some disco."

He gave a soft laugh, "Try your best."

Brooke strutted to another spot she had memorized and put the ball through the hoop with ease.

"You know this is pretty much cheating."

She stuck her tongue out in a joking manner, "You agreed to the terms Lucas. Not my fault that you can't play the game."

He took a stance by the spot Brooke had pointed out. It was an easier shot than the one he had missed earlier but still one he did not shoot regularly.

He took a quick breath and took the shot. It went in. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"Your turn Davis. Let's see if you bring it."

She gave an overdone cheerleader pose "Oh Lucas, it's already been broughten," nearly falling over with laughter after delivering the line.

"Oh man Brooke. Way to bring back the lame high school movie lines."

"You know you love it."

He dribbled the ball and passed it to her, "You got me. Guily pleasure," he winked at her.

She lined up her own shot as Lucas had and sank it swiftly.

He realized now, this would be a much longer game than he had originally anticipated.

**_xxxx_**

It was another spot on the court that Lucas fumbled.

"Pay up," she extended her hand forward as though expecting a payment.

"Alright, alright. Another secret?"

She nodded enthusiastically, hoping for something as juicy as his confession of being a disco king.

"Alright, let me think." He spun the ball loosely in his hands. He gave a sigh, and looked at Brooke, deeply contemplating the thought.

He debated what to tell her. Thus far they had laughed and passed the ball back and forth with a light hearted ease. Neither had revealed anything shocking or unimaginable. Brooke's hate of Myrtle Beach originating with a less than pleasent encounter with a jelly fish had been as real as they had gotten. He wondered now if he should delve deeper and reveal a part of himself he had kept protected. He hoped it would prompt her to reciprocate. To open up and reveal to him the part of herself she had always kept hidden from the world.

It was what Dr. Fields had been pushing her to do in their sessions. To open up and let someone in all the way, he wanted desperately to be that person. He knew she was hesitant, that the task scared her beyond everything else because no one had ever seen the Brooke Davis under it all. He supposed Peyton had come closest having grown up with Brooke and seen the way her home life had been. But a distance had grown between them over time. The secrets she kept now Peyton would not know. He was probably the only other one who had come close to knowing who Brooke Davis might be but he had lost the ability to decipher her inner thoughts years ago.

Finally he conceded to share the secret he was holding back, the ball still spinning loosely in his hands "Sometimes I worry I'll be a one hit wonder. That Ravens will be all that I'm ever known for…"

"Lucas, there's no way that could happen. You have too much talent for that ever to happen."

He shrugged, dribbling the ball nervously, finding little comfort in the placating activity, "It doesn't feel like that. It feels like a fluke, like I was young and there were people to take my words and make them something special. And now there's nothing."

He remembered the numerous edits, Lindsey's loopy scrawl across every page, thick red marks cutting out large chunks of this book. He worried that was what made it beautiful, not his original thoughts.

"Lucas, your words, without anyone's help, are too powerful to not be shared, they changed lives. Made people believe in something they never believed in before."

"Sometimes they don't feel like my words. They tore it apart Brooke. I don't recognize it sometimes and I wonder if maybe the reason it became so famous was because someone else wrote it. Someone fixed my idea into something sellable. What I wrote was different; it wasn't a neat story that fit into a box. I want to be known for something that was mine not something that was put together in meetings by publishers."

She brought herself closer to him, coming to a stand in front of him to emphasize her words, "They were still your words. They may have changed a little but that story is yours and the only reason people felt connected to it was because of you. Don't give that away so easily."

He pulled her into a hug, letting the ball drop and roll off. The conversation had drained him of what energy he had left.

"Thanks for that Brooke. I needed to hear that."

"I thought maybe you did. When the moment is right, it'll come together, I promise."

He felt the tension ease; she always knew what to say to him. Though she had never thought it strength, Brooke was just as good with words as he. Maybe even better he sometimes thought.

"It's getting pretty late, lets head back."

"So you are admitting defeat Lucas Scott?" Her serious tone replaced with a playful one. He didn't mind too much. He wished she had opened up more but it was a process. Slow and steady.

"Yeah, I guess I am. It was bound to happen eventually you know. This old heart of mine just can't keep up with you."

She gave him a playful shove walking back to the car, a genuine smile upon her face.

She stared out the window on the drive home, her face away from his eyes so he could not interpret the thoughts running through her.

It wasn't till they were nearly at the house that she turned towards him, there was something she was holding back and he saw her conflicted as he was earlier.

Finally she spoke as he put the car in park in the driveway. "While I was gone Lucas, I read your book everyday and it gave me comfort. It told me to believe in something. That there was something out there for me. Don't lose that faith you gave to others."

She got out of the car and made her way into the house. Lucas remained where he was, unsure what to make of her confession.

He relished knowing he brought her comfort during a dark time but he worried too what his words may have led her to believe.

Sometimes he wondered about the story that was in that book. The fairytale his editors had crafted from a book about a boy with two loves in his short life. Somehow only one love had made it into the final draft and it always troubled him. There were hundreds of emails he had saved from his back and forths with Lindsey but she had been unrelenting. No one wanted confusion; Cecily von Ziegesar had already taken on teen love triangles and sold millions. If he wanted his book taken seriously he'd sign off on the final draft. And so he conceded and much of the story that made him the man he was fell to the wayside for a book that was sure to top the bestsellers list. Even if it went from fact to fiction in the process.

_An Unkindness of Ravens_ had decided his destiny but the book was now in the past. He could now write of a new future. Maybe that was would finally put an end to the ache in his own heart.

_**Even just one small mistake  
Something ripples in the wake  
When I say you're face is so bright  
Makes me wanna do every little thing right**_

_****__xxxx_

_Melanie Doane_

Was it okay? I've had this saved for a while but was not sure if it was up to par. Hopefully it conveys all that it was meant to. Good news is I have the next few chapters mapped out so the updates will be sooner rather than later. There will be Bramie and Brucas-with Peyton thrown in after a few chapters as well.

Thank you as always for reading and if you have a moment I'd love a review of what you thought.


	14. How Deep in the Valley

Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or story alerted this fic. It really means a lot. Take a second to hit the review button at the end to let me know what you thought.

Enjoy

xxxx

_How deep in the valley must you go  
To find what your footsteps already know  
The way on is the way out  
There are signs to follow  
There is deep in the valley  
And I'm bound to go_

xxxx

"Aunt Brooke, how come we're at the baseball place?"

She bent forward to adjust his helmet and smiled, "Because I wanted to do something different with you. I know your dad and Uncle have already enrolled you in every basketball camp that is in existence but I figured it might be nice for you to try something new."

Jaime shrugged and lifted up his bat, losing balance slightly.

Brooke couldn't help but laugh at his attempt to line up at the base, holding the bat incorrectly and his feet spread too far.

"Alright Mr. Scott, baseball lesson number one, the bat is held the other way."

A look of enlightenment passed over his face as he turned it around, "That makes this a lot easier Aunt Brooke."

"And you gotta stand with your feet shoulder width apart." She came to a stand behind him, adjusting his stance, "Perfect." She smiled and took a step back, "Now all you got to do is swing at the ball."

She signaled to the tee ball already in place. Jaime gave her a quick nod, closed his eyes, and swung fully at the ball. He spun quickly and ended up in the dirt.

Brooke took quick steps towards him and helped him up, brushing the dust off his clothes. A look of disappointment and concession spread across his face.

"Okay, what is the most important thing when learning something new?"

He twisted his mouth not wanting to give a response.

"Come on…" she added. She was unwilling to let his silence be an answer.

"Never give up on the first try."

"That's right."

"But this is hard…"

She gave a quick shake of her head, "Everything is hard the first time you do it. But then you practice and you get better."

He nodded and she came to stand behind him again, "Okay, let's try this again. I'll help you. Ya know, back in the day I played a mean game of softball, until cheerleading camp was in the middle of softball season. But that's beside the point. Now come on big guy. We are gonna hit a home run today."

She held his hands in her own and took a few practice swings before moving up to the plate with him.

"Okay, keep your eye on the ball and just think of it hitting and going way out there," she pointed towards the end of the field.

"I'll try."

"That's all I'm asking Jim-Jam." She stood with him still and guided his hands as he took a swing at the tee-ball again.

This time it made contact and went nearly 15 feet out.

"Not bad for your first hit."

A smile spread across his face, "I wanna try again."

She nodded, "I got a whole bucket of balls just for that reason."

xxxx

It had taken some getting used to but after the second bucket of balls Brooke lifted herself up from her crossed legged position on the ground and walked towards Jaime.

"Alright buddy, I think we have had more than enough baseball for one day. What do you say to some ice cream?"

Jaime took a glance into the empty bucket, slightly disappointed, and nodded his head, "Alright Aunt Brooke."

She pulled him closer to herself as they walked back to return the gear they had rented. "So what do you think of baseball?"

"It's good. I had a lot of fun."

"So you think you might wanna be a big baseball player someday?"

He gave a shrug as they approached the counter, "I liked it but I like basketball better. That's what I'm gonna be."

She frowned slightly, "Jaime, your only six. You shouldn't already know what you want to be. You can be anything in the world."

He nodded, "I know I can be anything Aunt Brooke. I just know I wanna be a basketball player in the NBA. Didn't you always know what you wanted to be when you grew up?"

She placed their ice cream orders and walked towards a bench, holding Jaime's hand in her own, "I don't know. "

"Momma says she always loved to sing. And Uncle Lucas said he learned to read before he learned to walk. And Dad knew he wanted to play basketball since forever too. I can like other things Aunt Brooke but I'm always gonna be a basketball player."

They sat in silence for a few minutes before one of the high schoolers who worked at the ice cream stand brought over their ice creams. Finally Jaime turned towards Brooke, "I know you aren't making clothes anymore but I think that's what you are supposed to do. Momma loves your clothes and Daddy says she look the best in them too. Isn't that what you think you are supposed to do?"

"Maybe Jaime. But I haven't felt like making clothes in a long time."

"Have you tried? Momma hadn't sung in a long time either but she is still really good. And she still really likes to do it. Her and daddy are even talking about her making an album and going on a tour."

She was a little surprised at the conversation Jaime had revealed to her. She had always figured one day Haley would record another song but touring seemed like it was out of the question. The repercussions touring had on her relationship to Nathan had nearly guaranteed in Brooke's mind that Haley would never set foot on a tour bus again.

"Are you sure Jaime?"

He nodded enthusiastically, "They talked about it when SpongeBob was on. They only talk about serious things when SpongeBob is on because they think I'm not listening."

She couldn't help but smile at her godson's ability to know more than he should.

She squeezed Jaime's hand in her own. Maybe the joy sharing Haley sharing her gift with others outweighed the possible negatives of touring. Maybe she and Nathan had worked past all the fears that were associated with her passion for music.

"Aunt Brooke, I think you should still make clothes. My favorite clothes are the ones you made too. And they are starting to get small."

She smiled again and lifted him onto her lap, "Yeah bud. Maybe it is time I make something and see how it feels."

She had loved drawing once and maybe it was time to see if she was ready to love it again.

xxxx

It felt like pieces were falling in place. Like doors were opening and the fears she had thought to be reality slowing fading. She was finally moving forward in ways she had been hesitant before. She had done all she could and if it wasn't enough it wasn't her fault. For the first time, in a long time, it felt like her best should be enough and the constant feeling of inadequacy had subsided.

She sat nervously at the table waiting for Lucas to arrive home. It was time to take another step and though it scared she knew with Lucas at her side it would be easier.

A sketch pad was laid out in front of her. A few charcoal lines were strewn across the page. It was not her best work but it was a start. She had started sketching after dropping Jaime off at home. His encouragement and belief in her had been enough to overcome the fear holding a pencil had once brought on.

She wanted to give to the ones she loved and that meant taking care of herself as well. Of figuring out what her dreams were and believing the risk in following them was worth it. Because otherwise there was no purpose. She still loved designing, the thrill of an idea in her mind coming to life on paper. Just because she had lost her company did not mean she lost her talent as well. Victoria was wrong in saying she had nothing to give.

It was the understanding that her passion was separate from the past was what led her to sitting and waiting for Lucas now. Going to Clothes over Bro was important in separating her past dreams from her future ones. It was a big step but it was time to face her past fully and it seemed to culminate at the former location.

In therapy she had slowly begun to open up about Victoria. It seemed to ease her mind to know that people like Victoria were an anomaly. That they were so tortured themselves they could never provide for others. But that did not mean she would be like that. Through it all she had survived and she had flourished. She had been successful and she had shared her happiness with others. She was nothing like her mother and everything she had told her the night before she left Tree Hill had been crafted to inflict pain and nothing more.

Going to Clothes Over Bro. felt like it would be a way to close the door on a painful part of her life. A chapter that started when she felt abandoned by those she loved the most to realize sometimes asking for help is part of friendship as well. Though she had felt alone she knew now she was not.

The door unlocked and shut and eventually Lucas's footsteps entered the kitchen. She had not thought of how to convince Lucas to accompany her to the store. Her recovery had already taken so much from him but she was sure this final step would give him some freedom as well.

Lucas greeted her with a smile. He set his game binders on the table and his eyes fell on sketch pad that lay before her, "Are you sketching again?"

She smiled in return and nodded, "Not too much. I started a few days ago. I'm just getting back into the swing of things."

"Wow that's great Brooke." He came around the counter and wrapped her in his arms. He leaned back and took a seat next to her, "How come you didn't tell me earlier?"

"I wanted to see if I could do it on my own. I know you still had my sketch pad and pencils. I thought I'd give it a try and just see where it went."

"How does it feel?" His voice thinly veiling concern. Sketching just a few months ago seemed to bring up nothing but memories of the attack.

"Empowering…It feels good to know that something I thought I was forever done with can be part of my life again."

"That's great to hear Brooke."

He moved around the counter to the refrigerator pouring himself a glass of juice. He was happy to know she was making progress in therapy but slightly disappointed that she had not shared the steps she had taken with him earlier.

He wondered if Haley already knew about the sketches and with the thought jealousy reared its ugly head. Was there someone else who Brooke shared her secrets with now? He worried again that one day she'd wake up and not need him anymore.

He shook his head and quickly pushed the thought out of his head, this was about her, not him.

Brooke took a moment to allow Lucas to relax after work. Finally she spoke after thinking over her words, "Lucas, things have been going really well lately. I feel like I'm ready to move forward from all this. But I've got some important steps to take. And I'd really appreciate it if you could help me in putting all this pain in the past."

"Of course Brooke. I want to be a part of this."

"I think I'm ready to go to Clothes over Bro and I was hoping you would come with me." Her voice not holding as much conviction as she had hoped. Saying the words made the act much more of a reality.

His face instantly fell as she mentioned Clothes Over Bro. This wasn't the step he was expecting her to take, "Don't you think it's too soon?"

She gave a quick shake of her head, finding the strength she needed, "I think I have to face it and everything feels like its falling in place, finally. I'm sketching again, I took Jaime out yesterday and it felt like old times, I'm talking about Victoria in sessions. It just feels rights."

"Brooke, you weren't able to even drive past the store a few months ago. You don't want to push it."

"I know what I am capable of Lucas. I know this seems sudden but it's been a long time coming."

His silence seemed to confirm he was not convinced, "Lucas, I'm going to go regardless of whether you come with me or not. I'd prefer you be there but I will do this alone if I have to." She felt herself tense as conversation continued. She knew he would not be convinced easily and the realization she may have to do this alone caused her stomach to twist and air to feel sparse.

He let out a small sigh and placed his hands over hers on the counter, a slight reassurance, "I won't let you do this alone."

He would protect her, he had promised her months ago she wouldn't be alone again and standing on the verge of something new he couldn't leave her alone because of his own fears. Brooke was piecing together her life and he wanted to be a part of it. A big part if she'd let him.

She stood up and embraced him, finding herself instantly relaxing as his hands wrapped around her frame, "Thank you Lucas. It means the world knowing you believe in me."

"I'm only returning the favor Brooke. You've always stood by me and I promise I'll always be there for you."

She smiled at him, feeling grateful for those around her who were now helping her rebuild the life she thought forever lost.

xxxx

_How deep in the valley must you stay  
To know why your footsteps led you that way  
The way on may be truly to stand in one place  
And let the deep of the valley  
Fill you will grace_

xxxx

Sarah Harmer

I hope Jaime was insightful enough! He was very important in getting Brooke to realize the next steps she has to take to put the attack behind her. I hope Brooke's recovery came through. I know it has been slow and that she has had many set backs along the way but she will take some big steps in the next few chapters. All questions will also (hopefully) be answered in good time as well. Teaser for the next chapter: there will be a major Brucas moment!

Thank you for reading and please review if you have a moment.


	15. Ooh Oh

Thank you for reading and reviewing...

**xxxx**

_Wasn't it the pain_  
_That brought us together_  
_Wasn't it the heartache_  
_That brought me to you_  
_Wasn't it the look_  
_That you saw in my eyes_  
_That told you_  
_I knew what you'd been through_

**xxxx**

She took a few quick breaths outside the tinted door. The windows of the store had been papered so that no light could enter and a fear crept into her that the darkness within the store held something more menacing. That inside the man who had already taken so much from her was waiting to tear her world to pieces once again.

For a moment she thought of going back. Maybe it was too much and too soon. But then Lucas's hand found hers and the tension quickly faded. No one could hurt her while she was with Lucas. He had promised to keep her safe and she had come far enough to once again believe his words.

"We don't have to do this today Brooke. Just coming here was a big step."

She shook her head, it wasn't enough. She knew she was strong enough and it was time to truly put this part of her life in the past.

"You have the key, right?"

He nodded hesitantly, fishing it out of his pocket. The store had gone back into Karen's name when the lease she had signed was terminated by Victoria. Lucas had told her that Karen had not known what to do with the place and decided to wait and see what would come of it all.

"Are you sure?" He asked again and noticed that his own hands were trembling slightly. He thought back to the night at Tric, worried that this time he would not be able to shake her from the terrifying memory of that night.

"Yeah Luke," she gave his hand a squeeze to reassure him she was there with him.

He let go of her hand for a moment, twisting the key in the lock and opening the store. He opened the door, allowing the light of the setting sun to enter. She took a step forward, around him, and into the building. She found the light switch and flipped it on.

Her breath seemed to be caught in her chest again. She closed her eyes and counted down from ten. She opened her eyes and the nervousness she had felt began to slowly fade away. There was no one there, the fear that she had felt evaporating into nothingness once again.

She took a few steps in to the dimly lit shop. It had been one of the happiest days of her life when the space she stood in had been transformed into the store she managed on her own.

Standing there now she felt something entirely different. It felt like a foreign place that she no longer knew like the back of her hand. The corners sharper, the windows smaller, the colors more muted.

Somehow, even with all the changes it still echoed of the past. She thought of everything she had accomplished in the space instead of the negative. She remembered that it had been much more than a store; it was where she had spent so many hours with her friends in high school and after her return to Tree Hill. It was where she had designed fashion lines that went on to sell millions around the world. Where her dreams of being independent and successful had first come true.

Luke's hand came to rest on her shoulder and he squeezed her shoulder softly. He was still there for her but giving her the space she needed. She turned to give him a small smile to reassure him she was truly alright.

She walked further into the store, a renewed sense of empowerment filling her. This place wouldn't take away from her progress. It only fortified her belief that she was moving forward with her life.

She came to stand behind the counter. Her hands running across the smooth surface.

"Thank you for trusting I was ready Lucas," she paused for a moment, deciding how much of what she was experiencing to share with him.

He had come all this way and he had held her hand when the panic had risen in her chest, he deserved to know, she decided. "I was a little overwhelmed at first. I had this irrational fear that my attacker would be here…" His eyes met hers and she saw concern reflected back, "But once I stepped foot in here Lucas those thoughts faded away. All I could think was how much this place used to mean to me. It isn't the same place I used to love but it is no place I need to fear either. This isn't going to own me any longer."

She shook her head with quiet resolve. It seemed silly but she felt like she finally had some worth. She mattered and what she did with her life mattered.

And with the realization a wave of sorrow overcame her. That though she was strong enough to get past this she was still different. That working through her rape did not mean the pieces of her life could fall neatly back into place. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself unsure of what to make of it all.

"Hey, are you okay?"

He had noticed the way her body had gone from relaxed to stiff in a matter of seconds. The ease she had entered the store now replaced with uncertainty.

"What's going on?" he leaned across the counter and brushed her hand. He quickly pulled both her hands into his own finding them ice cold, "Brooke, look at me, what's going on?"

She turned her gaze upward and met his eyes. She wished he could calm her like before but this realization stung more than anything in the past.

She shook her head softly but found his hands unmoving, he would not let her pretend everything was alright was it was not.

It was a bittersweet moment. She had overcome the trauma that had ripped her life apart but she was different. She would never be the same person she was before the attack.

She had always known but there was hope in the back of her mind that maybe she could overcome it, that maybe the person she used to be was simply hidden under layers of falsehoods. But she knew now that after all the effects of her trauma she was forever transformed into someone different. Before today she could pretend that one day she might live her life like before but it could never happen.

"I guess I was a little naïve coming here."

His eyes filled with confusion and she knew he worried that coming to the store had overturned her progress in therapy. She wanted to reassure him that the progress remained, rather this was an epiphany regarding the person she was now.

"It comes with a price. Knowing I am not defined by the rape or by Victoria. I thought I could be the person I used be but I can't Lucas. All this time I've been focusing on getting back to that place. I wanted to cut the attack out of my life, pretend that things with Victoria were the way they always had been. But they aren't. Dr. Fields told me I would carry this and I thought that eventually I wouldn't. That I could talk it all over and put it all behind me. But I can't. Things weren't perfect before. I wasn't happy and I guess I've realized that now."

"I don't understand…"

She knew he believed that after all the therapy, by facing the emotional neglect from her parents, constructing a complete memory of the attack she would be able to return to being the girl he had written about all those years ago.

"Dr. Fields said I would mourn someone when I faced the attack. I was so rigid in my perception then that I didn't understand. I guess I know now I'm mourning myself. Brooke Davis who graduated from high school, who founded a multi-million dollar company from her apartment, who thought she had the world in her hands. But I know it isn't the end. That I'm someone new and stronger now."

Lucas watched in awe of the woman before him. She had come so far in the past few months. Her view of the world had changed and along with it so had she. But somehow he still saw what she seemed to miss. It was how she survived everything she had faced.

"You are different Brooke but you are still everything I saw in you all those years ago."

She arched an eyebrow not seeing the commonalities she still shared with her past self.

"You have always been independent, brilliant, beautiful and brave. You will always be those things and they aren't something hidden away. I see them every time I look at you."

She turned her head away, the tears returning now. She never felt independent with Lucas, she felt like she needed him and she still worried what would happen when he stopped needing her. She had allowed herself too much dependence upon him.

How could she have been so impractical as to begin to rebuild her life with Lucas still in it? With Lucas being a pillar of support in it. He was Peyton's rock, Peyton's shoulder, Peyton's strength. Not hers. And yet here she was relying on his so deeply it seemed like second nature to have him near.

She was brought back to the moment when Lucas's hand ran along her cheek. She had not even noticed him move around the counter and come to a stand next to her.

She took a shaky breath, closing her eyes.

"I care about you so much Brooke."

His mouth was at her ear, causing the hair on her neck to rise but in a good way. In a way she felt alive. She missed her heart racing at the sound of Lucas's voice. She had forgotten what it felt like to feel vulnerable and safe all at the same time.

His lips found hers seconds later and she melted into him. Her body closing the space between them and he dutifully supported her weight against his.

It was the first time they had kissed since the night they had slept together. As much as she depended upon him she made sure to not get involved physically. She thought she could keep Lucas out of her heart if she managed to keep sex out of the equation. Yet here she was wanting more from him than ever before.

She pulled away from him, her mental reasoning returning after some lapse.

"We can't do this," she inhaled quickly and restated the words, "_I_ can't do this."

She did love Lucas, and she always would, just as she had told him but this decision was not related to him at all. She knew how destructive their past together had been and she wouldn't risk it all again.

She grabbed her purse from the counter and began to walk out. She was half way down the block when Lucas gently tugged her arm to stop.

"Brooke, I didn't say I wanted to do anything."

She avoided his eyes; she always lost her strength looking into them.

"You don't have to say anything Lucas. I know where this goes and it never ends well for me."

"Brooke," he placed his hands on her shoulders, her arms already crossed in a protective stance, she had nowhere to look but at him now, "I think I'm falling in love with you."

She took a sharp inhale of breath at his words. They were unexpected to say the least. She had feared he would do this, that he would mistake what they had for love like all those years ago. Lucas Scott didn't love her, he was just confused.

He took a step towards her, trying to close the gap between them. She pushed him away with as much force she could muster. He stumbled slightly and began to move forward again, and she knew what he was going to say. She wouldn't let him say it again, this time with more conviction she knew he had merely convinced himself he had.

"You can't do this to me. I don't want you to love me." She took a step away from him, growing frustrated with his closeness.

"Just listen to me."

"No, just leave me alone Lucas. _This_ isn't what I need right now."

Her voice was cracking and Lucas knew this wasn't the time to push her, "Fine, what do you need?"

"I need you to leave now. I can't be around you."

He sighed, he didn't want to leave her but he knew the situation was not getting any better and she was only getting more frantic.

"I can't leave you. It's the middle of the night; we're on a deserted street."

She looked at her hands and realized she was shaking. Somehow she had forgotten where she was and what she had been doing.

She pulled out her cell phone, her voice further cracking and when the sleepy voice on the other end picked up she lost it again. Her voice barely came out through the tears but somehow she got her message across.

"Can you come pick me up?"

Haley noticed Brooke's stressed tone and quickly sat up, her attention turned to the hurting brunette, "Of course, are you okay?"

Brooke hesitated for a moment, "Yeah, I am, I just need you to come get me."

"Where are you?"

"Down the street from Clothes over Bro."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Brooke noted the panic in Haley's voice after hearing her location.

"Yeah, I'm safe Haley. I just need you to hurry."

**xxxx**

Lucas watched Brooke on the phone moving a little further down the street. She was within distance that if need be he could help her but it was clear from everything she would not take him approaching her again well.

He had not meant to blurt it out like that. His feelings towards her had been growing since she had returned. He was sure he had never stopped feeling that way for her, rather that his feelings had lain dormant all these years. He remembered how easily she had told him she loved him nearly a year ago and he had responded so readily. There had been no hesitation, he should have known then but she seemed to brush off his reply so easily he thought maybe those feelings did mean nothing.

He knew he was wrong now. That ease meant everything. But he couldn't do anything about it right now.

Instead he stood distantly from her, in silence for ten long minutes before he saw Nate's black SUV approach.

Brooke walked to the passenger side of the car and climbed in with no signal to him at all. He ran a hand through his own hair, cursing his own actions. He really should have known better than to bring up his feelings at a time like this but he knew they were true. He couldn't keep denying the way he felt.

He walked towards his car; tomorrow he would sort this out and find a way to prove to Brooke he meant the words he said.

**xxxx**

She had managed to stop crying but she was still visibly shaken when Haley arrived to pick her up. Revisiting the store had been stressful enough and having Lucas say he loved her had drained her of her remaining strength.

"What happened?" Haley's voice inquired as they began to drive away from Lucas's figure on the Tree Hill streets.

She shook her head, "I can't talk about it right now. I'm just too angry and hurt and I know I'm not thinking straight."

"Yeah, it's okay Brooke. We'll just go home; Nathan's getting the guest bedroom ready. We can figure it out in the morning."

Brooke gave a sigh of relief, "Thanks Haley."

Haley remained silent thinking of the millions of scenarios which may have led Brooke to her current state. She wanted to ask again but knew better. They would talk in the morning and hopefully she would be able to help Brooke through whatever was going on in her life.

**xxxx**

_What if it's just me  
I can't keep it together  
What if it's too much  
Too much for me to take  
What if I want you  
Just to walk away  
From all the pain  
We have both been through_

_Cause I've been hidin'  
All my life and  
I've been tryin  
To keep me safe but  
I've been healin  
I've been thinkin  
I am ready  
Finally for something more  
Than this_

**xxxx**

_Keri Noble_

I'm sorry for the delay. I have been out of the country for a few weeks and with very limited internet access. Hopefully this update will be enough to keep everyone tied over until I am fully connected again.

Thank you for reading and please review if you have a moment, I really appreciate each one.

Ps. If you have a moment check out Keri Noble. She is a great female vocalist (and her song "Emily" was featured on Grey's). One of my favorites.


End file.
